Incomplete Happy Ending
I enjoy writing what is in my head it soothes the woe’s in my world it calms my storm, but a part me of hopes you get it and get something from it. What is my happy ending a family of course which my shock some and some will totally get this, I want a wife who loves every part of me and we get each other in everyway. A daughter who is stunning and talented and knows that she is loved. Which sounds absolutely amazing but life for me could also be completely fulfilled watching my god daughter and god sons get older and become adults attend my friends weddings and showers and anniversary parties and be content being a traveling dancer or choreographer or teacher or public speaker. Both are equally amazing in my eyes and would die a happy pappy if either was my life. But its incomplete my happy ending that is. I was reading lately I know don’t kill me it is very rare only in times of deep thought anyhow I read this amazing quote by T.S. Elliott it reads “I will show you fear in a hand full of dust.” It means we are not actually afraid of dying we fear that no one will notice our absents, that we will disappear without a trace. That is a scary and profound couple of lines, I know I am not scared of dying I have embraced death since I was a teen but the thought of being forgotten, no one at my funeral, no one missing me is kind of sad. I thought a lot about the quote and the future and it resurfaced my senior class motto “Life is a journey not a destination”(Thanks Dee Av). Which is so true I feel the world is missing so many precious moments because they are trying so hard to get to the destination with the journey. Life is meaningless if there is no struggle, pain, joy, happiness, bumps, bruises, hugs, kisses. I think I personally block my happy ending, who knows the reason fear probably what happens when I get all I ever wanted? Do I deserve it, is it real? Am I happy? Those questions go through my head. Its funny right before ever show I stretch listening to music super loud in my ears and while I am in my zone I thank the universe for my gifts and my family and friends and thank it for all that it is because I wouldn’t be without it. Its simple to me being happy it comes natural, then why I am so scared of these Happy Endings and why are they incomplete? Am I frightened at the thought of being alone or no one missing me when I am gone? I am terrified of waking up next to same person until I am gone or them leaving me? I am ultimately worried about things that haven’t happen and if they did then it was a life lesson and I try to take the best from it. In my own head I think who is going to sit around pausing their life while I travel and dance and travel some more. No one will that’s why I am not expecting it to just fall on my lap. I understand the sacrifices I make daily to do what I do and the walls I put up to keep everyone at arms distance so I don’t get hurt. I know I miss so much thinking that way but as some quote said “its better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all”. And trust me I have loved however now so many of my friendships and relationships are convenient, shallow, uninteresting, lifeless because who cares anymore. I mean who genuinely cares very few people and they know who they are I love them and I try and tell them as much as I can because with those few people life becomes harder. The incomplete happy ending is father away from me with out some ground work some stability friends who care, family that matters, career worth enjoying. Those things push me to be better do better, and the journey isn’t over. I was watching one of the movies I tend to watch way too much and it says “Destiny is the Bridge you build to the ones you love”. I take that with me along with “Life is the Sum of Choices you Make”. you know when your mom says wait till you get older and life will begin to fly by and well once again you were right mom. I am in my late 20’s now and it is crazy how fast things have happened and how much has happen in that time. We are only on Earth for a brief moment in time and what we do with that time defines us. So my happy ending may be incomplete but I am always optimistic and hopeful.
9/11/2011
Unknown (2011-09-12)
The UNKNOWN it is so well unknown and that is the intrigue the lure
the attraction that is so cool to me right now in my life. I just got
another year older which means so much has happen in 365 days it isn’t
even funny jobs, friends, change life in motion and not stopping along
the way just brief pauses. In less then a month I will be unemployed and
have so many things to think about dance, life, love, and well life
again. It’s not the woes of school, or bad kids, or upset wife or
girlfriend, awful job, long hours which be reason to freak or not. I am
wondered I my make a bad decision it wouldn’t be the first time but
that’s why I am so up in the air. Those so called missteps made me who I
am now and I wouldn’t change that even if I could because I would be a
different version of me an Alternate Universe Ty (Fringe reference).
UNKNOWN is my comfort zone well it used to be now I freak out about
rent, bills, money, life, girls, people, weather, clothes. I remember I
simpler me unmoved by the world just went with it the Earth turned and I
lived in my world which turned flipped, danced, laughed, cried all
things that are so forced now why? I freak out about what I cant control
I cant control peoples feelings, circumstance it is how I react to
these situations that define me(not) because I don’t need a definition
but just a reason for being. I am falling in love with the unknown again
it is a great feeling I recommend it anyone who needs to jump head
first. My amazing mom would tell me and my bro this quote as we were
growing up so we wouldn’t let women break our hearts. “Ed Tim jump in
feet first so about time you get knee deep you will find out how full of
shit she really is, because when you jump in head first its to close to
your heart.” Take that leap to the unknown it is scary as hell but
worth the pee n your pants LOL. I think I may buy a one way ticket to
anywhere and play it by ear or propose to the woman of my dreams, I may
live for a bit, dance because it fun. Who knows that’s why they call it
the UNKNOWN. I know better then most its hard to say bye I think it gets
easier each time but it’s a façade I miss them soo much all of you
weather it has been 7 months or 7 years I miss you. If I go off grind
accept it, if I get engaged deal with it, if I move to Europe dammit get
skype. But embrace the life’s you have they are amazing moms, college
grad, beautiful showgirls, awesome dancer, hot wifes, strong, amazing
men cheers to you all for living your life’s I love you all. I want to
take those leaps those moments of UNKNOWN that changes the way I look at
this world that looked so different years ago. Look at it better then I
did before and different then I do now, well at the end I start at the
beginning the UNKNOWN is intriguing, alluring, scary, and fun if you let
HELL if I let it…
-I See You…-
-I See You…-
9/07/2011
Runaway (2011-08-23)
~Runaway~
Great little title for the thought process I am in right now. I Dig the meaning the title and the essence of it to me. First it is the title of Janet Jackson hit as well as P!nk’s hit song both of which are on my mind in this moment in my life. I was listening to the song and I realized that I don’t wanna runaway I just need to escape my outer head for a bit. I am loving the space I am in right now it is a much different space then a year ago or even 6 month ago or hell even since I started this contract. So what does Runaway mean to me the actual meaning is the songs in themselves I love it I just wanna go somewhere calm and cool, nice and relaxing I just feel as if it all that I am. I Love the Janet Jackson song its about just going somewhere new and seeing it for what it is “I See You…” sort of speak I love that aspect of it very real very straight forward. Seen the world been to many places I Love the lyrics in it just what it is Runaway alone and enjoying life but missing that element of someone else to share it with. I understand that meaning so much its not funny but I love the other half of the token. P!nk’s version is so different in the fact she want to just get away and be in her zone just her is a great concept to want to make real in your life. To leave everything behind and just wanna get away for whatever reason. I love both concepts so much because I am both these and neither (MindF*ck). I was going to write about destiny but the last couple weeks all I could get on the page was destiny is the bridge to the one you love. That it 3 weeks behind this laptop that’s all I had not good so I dug deep in me to see what is really on my mind and I would soon see these 2 songs. I googled the lyrics to both even though I know both too well I wanted to read the words to each and see them in my head. It was a third a song and it was titled runaway as well but it was a rock song from Linkin’ Park and I didn’t wanna go there but I will. It is funny in their version he just wanted to run a find the truth and get away from the pain, runaway and never say goodbye. It is powerful and absolute and period. Where as the the other 2 have something a lil more but not really all 3 are special to me cause it all consists on Running away and I don’t see me running away just thinking I would love to wake up in India, Africa, Europe and all these other places that promise tranquility and relax. And maybe I am running from something even so its ok to be alone and have no reason to do what is right but do what is necessary for you to move and grow as a human and a a evolved species. I have been finishing this all month and runaway isn’t what I want I want to Run but with someone some special person that makes it worth it, you know long hours or hard rehearsals. Business trips or 6 months in another country or cruise ship. Where are you I am a patient man but time is a luxury for people who believe in more then just now but the forever the eternal. I want what is so far out my reach because I want it to be not because it actually is. We make our destiny like the movie says destiny is the bridge you build to the ones you love. Life is the sum of choices you make. Well that is quite enough for now be back soon…
:) -I See You…-
Great little title for the thought process I am in right now. I Dig the meaning the title and the essence of it to me. First it is the title of Janet Jackson hit as well as P!nk’s hit song both of which are on my mind in this moment in my life. I was listening to the song and I realized that I don’t wanna runaway I just need to escape my outer head for a bit. I am loving the space I am in right now it is a much different space then a year ago or even 6 month ago or hell even since I started this contract. So what does Runaway mean to me the actual meaning is the songs in themselves I love it I just wanna go somewhere calm and cool, nice and relaxing I just feel as if it all that I am. I Love the Janet Jackson song its about just going somewhere new and seeing it for what it is “I See You…” sort of speak I love that aspect of it very real very straight forward. Seen the world been to many places I Love the lyrics in it just what it is Runaway alone and enjoying life but missing that element of someone else to share it with. I understand that meaning so much its not funny but I love the other half of the token. P!nk’s version is so different in the fact she want to just get away and be in her zone just her is a great concept to want to make real in your life. To leave everything behind and just wanna get away for whatever reason. I love both concepts so much because I am both these and neither (MindF*ck). I was going to write about destiny but the last couple weeks all I could get on the page was destiny is the bridge to the one you love. That it 3 weeks behind this laptop that’s all I had not good so I dug deep in me to see what is really on my mind and I would soon see these 2 songs. I googled the lyrics to both even though I know both too well I wanted to read the words to each and see them in my head. It was a third a song and it was titled runaway as well but it was a rock song from Linkin’ Park and I didn’t wanna go there but I will. It is funny in their version he just wanted to run a find the truth and get away from the pain, runaway and never say goodbye. It is powerful and absolute and period. Where as the the other 2 have something a lil more but not really all 3 are special to me cause it all consists on Running away and I don’t see me running away just thinking I would love to wake up in India, Africa, Europe and all these other places that promise tranquility and relax. And maybe I am running from something even so its ok to be alone and have no reason to do what is right but do what is necessary for you to move and grow as a human and a a evolved species. I have been finishing this all month and runaway isn’t what I want I want to Run but with someone some special person that makes it worth it, you know long hours or hard rehearsals. Business trips or 6 months in another country or cruise ship. Where are you I am a patient man but time is a luxury for people who believe in more then just now but the forever the eternal. I want what is so far out my reach because I want it to be not because it actually is. We make our destiny like the movie says destiny is the bridge you build to the ones you love. Life is the sum of choices you make. Well that is quite enough for now be back soon…
:) -I See You…-
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