In Transit (08-07-2010)

Wow way to long it has truly been a min since i put my thoughts on the web or anywhere just been living my life it has been path and has thrown me for a loop. But that is what makes life so enjoyable i guess and least that is what i tell myself so i don't crumble up and waste away. So i read my old blogs and I am kinda bitter and it makes me laugh because  I know me and i know that is not who i am and it upsets me. I love every hand i have been dealt but it does hurt sometimes to feel the feelings i have felt in recent months, Remorse, Sadness, Pain, Lose, Confusion. And all in the same token Love, Compassion, Support, Care, Tenderness, Openness. I love all those feeling inside and they all came out over the last couple of months.  You it sounds so lame to say or type but turning 25 was such an eye opener to the life i have lived and  the life i wanna live and the mistakes i have made and the decisions i feel now more then ever. When you have those revelations and those insights into parts of you, you didn't know you had it is scary, uplifting, freaking and a little off putting. Because for me when you walk a path less traveled and have an idea and goals you set out in front of you it hard to see some of those altered for reasons you may think is good for you or even right but you ride it out to see the outcome. I should have tattooed "Life is a direct sum of the choices you make" on me but one that would have taken way too long and I See You means so much more but i have tons of space left on my body.

     When you reflect on your past relationships is there ever a pattern? Is there ever that voice that says "Hey what the hell are you doing?" is there is and it gets louder the longer your with someone run RUN FAST. Because it is so hard to break habits all kinds of habits women, drugs, food, lies, etc. You will find yourself in the same similar positions and wonder why am I here have i not been down this road this path this doomed tunnel??? You don't come out of it bitter or less trusting. or hateful to the opposite or same sex you live and learn and hope you don't make the same mistakes more then once. And if it does happen that life throws you another bag of lemons you will know and identify with the bag and make some amazing Lemonade.
Which brings me to point #1: YOU CANT SAVE THE WORLD, so stop trying to save others especially those who don't wanna be saved or who enjoy misery because misery loves company.
Which ironically brings me to #2: YOU HAVE TO LIVE FOR YOU, at the end of the day you only get so many years on this planet please don't spend it second guessing who you are and how to make other people happy. You have to live for you no matter what the outcome. Lose friends, disconnect from family, take a sabbatical do whatever you need to to find you peace. Let me get real honest i had to almost give up the one thing in this entire world that truly made me happy to truly find my happiness. I purposely got fired from my dance job and seriously considered stopping cold turkey all 21 years of my dance life because of what i like to call Situational Shit. No lie it took me to a very dark place i had never been and yet it also took me to a beautiful place i had NEVER been.
Which rolls on to my #3 thought: DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL THINGS, yes it was small why? because i lived to see another day and if i died 2morrow my last thoughts would be heartache, sadness, hate, pain, all things i never truly wanna feel. Let me tell you cleaning out my Make up spot at Jubilee i didn't even cry or blink i just went home and watched movies and smiled i had one regret that whole day that i didn't hug my friends in the show the people that meant a lot to me the people that were there all the time not sometimes. I felt sadness for not having a final bow with my family you forget so quickly you see these people 6 nights a week and 2 shows a night and i took their presence for granted. I must say i was alone for the first time in such a long time and in a dark withdrawn place that i LOVED in being alone and jobless and confused about my future for the first time since i left Detroit in 03, I found Tim and i was so excited.
Which take me to #4: LIVE FOR THE MOMENT, like i said 2morrow ain't promised and I started living without so much weight of other peoples opinions or their 2 cents on my life. I saw shows, went to movies, slept all day, read books, watched prime time TV, worked out everyday. I was living and it was and still is GREAT.

ps I Love that boy so much LORD FOKQUA you better read this LOL, I feel like i chased behind ? until i realized recently I am way too blessed to have spent most of my life waiting for something that may never happen. I have made a declaration to myself to live in this MOMENT, not the past or future I am truly going to enjoy this gift i have called the present.

     So in closing I love this opportunity, this growth, this wisdom, this time, this path, this new found LOVE in my Heart & Soul. I am finally living my life and for the first time ever i got it. I AM SPECIAL and my flaws are apart of me but they don't define me they just add to MY AMAZING CHARACTER that deserves to be LOVED without hesitation
I SEE ME WHICH GIVES ME THE ABILITY TO SEE YOU
-I SEE YOU...-

I SEE YOU... (06-25-2010) My Favorite!!!!

I know we all probably know what this is from I love the movie the concept.... so here is why this is on my mind................

i was watching the movie for the 6th or 7th time and each time i thought something different this world that we live in is screwed and different in so many ways. It was majestic and wild and awe beautiful and it was beyond a dream. We as humans are so disconnected so closed to the possibility of real relationships and real connections with real people and life itself. I have connections like that with people on this planet but no one comes to you and says "I See You" for all that you are and all that you mean to me. We need to be more like that in life in general its awesome I love that. You truly don't know who your real friends are until you go through things. And that is what we need more of in this day and age. Its rare to find something real something true, honest, supportive and just there for you always I never realized that until i hit this road block in my life just who truly cares who is there a text a email a call it is so much more then that too me. You feel the love literally its there its real its rare. like a rock under extreme pressure becomes a diamond, ruby, gem stone something stronger, the beauty you normally don't see shows now.

-"Change like sunshine can be a friend or foe, a blessing or curse, a dawn or dusk"-

What do people see when they see you when they talk to you when they get to know you?

Do they see the work in progress the end product which never happens we are constantly in growth and the moment we stop growing we stop living. Its hard because only know the version of you when you met them. The you of the moment wasn't all of you only one part of you or not a part at all maybe it was a you being controlled by your emotions or your situation. Whatever the case is or was they only keep that version of you in their head so there is already no room to grow to evolve to be someone more then you are in that moment?

-"The only man who behaved sensibly was my tailor; he took my measurement anew every time he saw me, while all the rest went on with their old measurements and expected them to fit me."-

I get it, its hard as hell to see your friends or family go through bad times or times of sorrow or sadness or loneliness, or grief, loss, heartbreak... All thee above or just a healthy amount of 1. I say Healthy because weather your religious or not you only get as much as you can handle and if you get a little more then that there is growth that needs to happen kinda like a computer requires regular updates to run better perform better we do as well. The only difference is we are so much more complicated. We aren't just hardware or programmable I am some of our but to those who aren't re need a new mouse, or cleaner screen, and so on to stay functioning that means going through something hard, difficult, rough, Bad, Sad etc. Those times or hardship made us go to the next level in life weather it was a break up, a lose in family or friend, or addition to family or friends family. a marriage or divorce whatever it was we all can remember each one like it was yesterday and I associate it with music i could tell you where i was when every Janet albums released, i can tell you the first song i performed and the last i still remember songs= moments if i hear Summer Breeze- Isley Brothers. Teena Marie- Portuguese Love. Those songs bring up memories that cant be replaced. I mean every time i hear The Reason- Hobastank i get all emotional LOL. But its funny i was watching Avatar and listening to the score for the movie just mind blowing and so intense and soft and rough and elegant, you connect to the story you find your own meaning in it like with music you get what you get from each song and how it directly relates to you. Update move forward don't stay stagnant for someone or for yourself because its comfortable to you. Grow and accept others growth because we are constantly changing and Change is inevitable. See them for them not the image you place on them or the image you see them in when you meet them allow them to change grow blossom and you see your own relationships, personal self, and being in general will be renewed better then it was before...

-I See You-

Pretend "Not Anymore" (05-22-2010)

Great song from Glory Dogs... cool Lil' Band

And well the title for this here venture in my life, So what year was it when life got rough when things looked bad when all you could do is look for ways to be better to do better to become better. This is me not pretending not sugar coating just for a new change of events the truth. The truth is simple life isn't always happy and smiles and you can only pretend for so long, before the smile cracks or the wounds show. Why do you start pretending in the first place well for one it could be second nature, you know all that you know or it could be your afraid of the world would think of the real you honest you happy you. Is it hard when you stop seeing the world or cup half full when you look at it as just empty? is it bad to feel the way i do right now i don't think it is.. in 23 years i have never felt the way i feel right now at this moment in my life. To be in a space you cant grow in or out of is hard its tough and I or you cant be Happy 24/7 cant be every one's jester the go to person for fun and smiles. I cant be right now I cant pretend i cant waiver in my life anymore i cant pretend I am both Hot and Cold. Sad and happy...

I love this moment but i hate it as well, in the last 7 years I have literally seen and done with my career all i truly wanted and personally i fell short. Inside of me i didn't grow i just let life happen emotions bottled feeling put on the shelf as long I got the next dance job the next itinerary, the next chance to pack my suitcase to say goodbye because goodbye is way easier then letting someone in? Right. At lease that's what i thought but i see now i was wrong.

Not many people saw Tim for Tim and that was not there fault i just didn't want people to get to close because it meant saying goodbye a lot easier, And now I look at empty promises i have made BS I have spit out and Lies i have told for so many years and i feel awful, for some people it takes a push to move them in the right direction for others a strong wind and well for me it took an Earthquake and i wish it didn't i wish i could have wanted to see the flaws earlier its hard to fix whats been broken for so long you cant I'm not a robot I am only flesh and bone and I bleed red just like everyone else.

To be sad and down and depressed is one thing and i wont be that way i cant be that way life is way too short. I need to embrace the present and take the future one day at a time, I am forged in Strength & Love and i have to do this for me because i need to be able to make Ty happy before everyone else can be happy with me. Ty is who i am becoming who i want to be, I am growing and in 3 months i will be 25 and i cant wait so much has changed so much has happen to know being alone isn't truly being alone when you have great friends!!!!

To not Pretend to not be everyone else reflection of themselves to make them feel better is who Ty is becoming who i need to be I need to be my reflection of me my BEST part of me. i wont let no one stop this evolution from happening, loved ones, friends, family co-workers, i am doing this for me and for me first and foremost. So be there support as i did when you weren't OK or just call to say hi or don't be fake just let me be... I <3 this moment because who i am now i won't be in 6 months 6 years and that makes me extremely HAPPY.......

So I am done PRETENDING!!!!

sorry for the inconvenience this may cause.

If today was your Last Day & Better Days (04-12-2010)

Good Question Huh? and a Great Song by Nickelback. or Better Days Janet Jackson!!!

Pick Your Poison*

So answer the question and then think about it for a min. I read the lyrics to this song watched the video and seriously sitting here in my room @ 2am just got super sad. WHAT IF? today was my last day could i say goodbye to yesterday, live each moment like its my last, leave old pictures in the past, donate every dime i had. Could you how precious is the life you live right now that if 2morrow wasn't coming what would you do? WHAT IF? Call those friends you never see, reminisce on old memories, forgive your enemies, find that one your dreaming of, swear up and down to God that you would fall in love. Honestly it puzzles me i read these lyrics and its so true WHAT IF? Would you try to mend a broken a heart. I know its completely contrasting but this song "BETTER DAYS" has taking me through each step in my life it is powerful and so true in so many ways you think about all you been through and what is  next and WHAT IF today was your last day? uh oh tie-in. I love my job and what i do and it took almost 25 years to say listen I am me and no one else can change that and be firm in my statement about me NOW in this time in this place. So much happens in your life that you rarely step back and look at someone else life and go TALK TO ME I AM LISTENING. So here is what I am getting too if today was my last day i want this to be known I have had a roller-coaster of a life and i would not change none of it maybe 2 or 3 events but  personally and professionally I have lived many life's and have embodied many persona's I feel as if the journey is just at the start and I have a lot more to come but that isn't scary anymore it is welcoming because BETTER DAYS are ahead not to say better days haven't passed but you have valleys and peaks and that's what life is. I just had a lot on my mind and we just started a new contract @ Jubilee and for me growing as a man and as a performer and you think where did the time go where are my Best Friends what have I contributed to the greater cause of Life....

Some of the lyrics in Better Days ring so true,

"I used to sit and wonder,Would I ever be happy Life was so bittersweet So many disappointments

Too many ups and downs for me, When you live a nightmare It's hard to dream. But sometimes life just isn't fair So why complain nobody cares, And I don't wanna waste nobodies time.

So I'm  bout to change my vibe,Today the sun's gonna shine cause I made up my mind that today will be the start of better days leaving old shit behind, And move on with my life the blindfolds off my eyes

And now all I see for me is better days."

"Afraid of my reflection Tell me that's not me I see That's who I wanna be, Stuck somewhere in the middle on half full or half empty Waiting for somebody to come and rescue me. Can't let that petty attitude start to jade my point of view only thing that does is bring me down."

I read this i feel this i believe this and i am sad because when is the start of better days?

I am leaving old shit behind moving on with my life i have too because i think if today was my last day in 2 months everyone i cared about would be sad but would be moving on with life and i will become a distant memory. So know that BETTER DAYS are ahead and that IF TODAY WAS MY LAST DAY i would tell you listen I love you and i would go to a beach sit there and listen to Janet Jackson and smile at all the memories I had in this lifetime. so no I am not mad or upset just Sad i wish for so many things not for me but for my friends and family. Peace, Love, Forgiveness, Compassion, Patience.

I know I am totally complicated and weird to some and loud but I love those things about me and glad I have those things about me and I'm not 30 or 40 i don't have the life experience as some of the people in my show but I'm no 19 year old kid or 50 something bitter and jaded. I am me through and through and if that is an issue I understand but at the end of the day 2morrow isn't promised and my better days are here.

So know

 "I'm Not Perfect, but I'm trying(when you needed me there were a few times i did not come running), I'm Not Perfect, but I'm Working (When you wanted more  I would give Less, and I'm sorry),

I'm Not Perfect, but I'm getting closer the more I know Y'all...(PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE)

I'm Not Perfect, BUT I'M BETTER THAN I WAS YESTERDAY!!!!

SO here is my declaration I love my life and things i do and I could be around all the people i love all the time to fell love and give love all the time, but in the mean time Accept 

In closing: Love the skin your in and if not evolve into something more by growth and change, <3 and Cherish the moments that are irreplaceable, and  make those Moments happen. Live Each Day as if it's your Last and if not Better Days are ahead if you want them!!!

LIVE, LOVE & DANCE

Lost then Found (02-12-2010)

"I choose this title because its one of my favorite songs now by Leona Lewis & One Republic"

SO I am home visiting family and friends & clearly can't sleep. LOL I think a lot about love, life and well everything its crazy cause i sit in my old room looking at all this stuff i don't have anymore and all this stuff i always thought i needed and i don't.... Which is funny to me cause there was a point in my life that i would not go anywhere w/o some of this stuff and Now it is a distant memory.

What does that mean? I leave shit in the past too long before i clean house i let my closet or attic get too packed before i wanna clean it out, or let it go. I think for the latter part of 10 months I have been fighting myself about change and the WILD part is it takes you to lose something before you wanna find something, and the crazy part is what you lost may honestly not be what you wanna find. I know it may sound weird to most but say you lose a Loved one weather by death or distance u may gain a new found likeness in yourself or security you never knew you had. Or if you lose your job that you never really liked you may actually find the Job you always wanted but you let this old job hinder you. On those occasions when what you lost may be what you trying to find again it sucks when you feel it is too far Lost to be found and that sucks...

But you gotta keep it moving don't stay stagnate thinking about the what if? Read, Dance, Work-out, Sleep, Play do something to find something new to feel these voids. I need to LOSE somethings because i want to and NEED to e.i (People, Friends, Habits, Emotions etc.) Not in a bad way but in a I feel like things now in my life are hindering me from my Dreams and Goals. I am not blaming anybody but know that its happening now and if by chance you get caught in the Tornado that is my Vacuum cleaning my attic and closet I am not sorry. I only Apologize I didn't do it early i had to wait till I was almost 25 to come to some real life Decisions. Some things i lost i wish i could find again and somethings i have found i need to Lose on purpose.

This isn't something New i have been struggling with some hard or not so hard choices for a while I look at all my old blogs and i see a pattern this Quote "Life is the Sum of Choices you make" How can i be an honest man if i don't practice what I preach. and Believe in what i say I don't wanna look back in 15, 20, 50 years and go I should have , could have. I want to be proud of the life I live and the people in it and the things i do and the stories i tell my kids one day or my god children or my nieces and nephews.

So basically

LOSE it if its bad or unhealthy or just not what you feel you need in your life

FIND it if you miss the happiness of it, lost it prematurely, or just in search of it.

Personally, Professionally, Emotionally, Spiritually, Physically anything Lost can be Found, and some things need to be Lost for you to Find YOURSELF........

( I cut the song down so that y'all could read what i thought is an amazing song so it just goes VERSE, CHORUS, , HOOK, END)

Staring at tears on the pages Of letters that I never could write

I know love isn't painless but it's worth the risk it's worth the fight

Playing it over and over I wish that I could turn back time

Baby we're wrong but we could be right........

Why do we say things we can't take back and why do we miss

What we never had both of us fell to the ground and love was so lost

It couldn't be found what would it take to forget who's blame

I'm tired of crying at the sound of your name

Why don't we turn this around

love in the ending don't you wanna be lost then found

Empty glasses and tables

Echo's through these walls

The memories go were we go there like the suitcase that you never lose

If the good lords eye is upon me I swear to make things right

What ever we've lost I know we can find

The winds are calling up we can't stop the rain wish that you could take it back but it's to late it's to late...

We could be lost then found.