Incomplete Happy Ending
I enjoy writing what is in my head it soothes the woe’s in my world it calms my storm, but a part me of hopes you get it and get something from it. What is my happy ending a family of course which my shock some and some will totally get this, I want a wife who loves every part of me and we get each other in everyway. A daughter who is stunning and talented and knows that she is loved. Which sounds absolutely amazing but life for me could also be completely fulfilled watching my god daughter and god sons get older and become adults attend my friends weddings and showers and anniversary parties and be content being a traveling dancer or choreographer or teacher or public speaker. Both are equally amazing in my eyes and would die a happy pappy if either was my life. But its incomplete my happy ending that is. I was reading lately I know don’t kill me it is very rare only in times of deep thought anyhow I read this amazing quote by T.S. Elliott it reads “I will show you fear in a hand full of dust.” It means we are not actually afraid of dying we fear that no one will notice our absents, that we will disappear without a trace. That is a scary and profound couple of lines, I know I am not scared of dying I have embraced death since I was a teen but the thought of being forgotten, no one at my funeral, no one missing me is kind of sad. I thought a lot about the quote and the future and it resurfaced my senior class motto “Life is a journey not a destination”(Thanks Dee Av). Which is so true I feel the world is missing so many precious moments because they are trying so hard to get to the destination with the journey. Life is meaningless if there is no struggle, pain, joy, happiness, bumps, bruises, hugs, kisses. I think I personally block my happy ending, who knows the reason fear probably what happens when I get all I ever wanted? Do I deserve it, is it real? Am I happy? Those questions go through my head. Its funny right before ever show I stretch listening to music super loud in my ears and while I am in my zone I thank the universe for my gifts and my family and friends and thank it for all that it is because I wouldn’t be without it. Its simple to me being happy it comes natural, then why I am so scared of these Happy Endings and why are they incomplete? Am I frightened at the thought of being alone or no one missing me when I am gone? I am terrified of waking up next to same person until I am gone or them leaving me? I am ultimately worried about things that haven’t happen and if they did then it was a life lesson and I try to take the best from it. In my own head I think who is going to sit around pausing their life while I travel and dance and travel some more. No one will that’s why I am not expecting it to just fall on my lap. I understand the sacrifices I make daily to do what I do and the walls I put up to keep everyone at arms distance so I don’t get hurt. I know I miss so much thinking that way but as some quote said “its better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all”. And trust me I have loved however now so many of my friendships and relationships are convenient, shallow, uninteresting, lifeless because who cares anymore. I mean who genuinely cares very few people and they know who they are I love them and I try and tell them as much as I can because with those few people life becomes harder. The incomplete happy ending is father away from me with out some ground work some stability friends who care, family that matters, career worth enjoying. Those things push me to be better do better, and the journey isn’t over. I was watching one of the movies I tend to watch way too much and it says “Destiny is the Bridge you build to the ones you love”. I take that with me along with “Life is the Sum of Choices you Make”. you know when your mom says wait till you get older and life will begin to fly by and well once again you were right mom. I am in my late 20’s now and it is crazy how fast things have happened and how much has happen in that time. We are only on Earth for a brief moment in time and what we do with that time defines us. So my happy ending may be incomplete but I am always optimistic and hopeful.
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