Stereo Hearts
Great song new to my ears since I have been back in America and I absolutely love it. I dig the lyrics the metaphors the meaning to me the beat the hook well hell I dig the track and that’s all needs to be said. If anyone knows me they know I love and live through and for music its one lyric that I love its is awesome “I apologize for any skipping tracks the last girl that had me left a couple cracks”. I personally love that he is so honest and upfront hey listen I may be a little damaged. I think it is really a great song with a lot of meaning for it for me cause m heart is a stereo I can recall every song at every moment in my life. Loss my virginity , first dance performance (4 at my elementary school) I wore overalls, graduation, break ups, first flight, first check, first heart break, my mom (Momma Boyz II Men) of course, my first house on my own. I will stop there but I think you get it and this song is a love ballad just saying hey listen hey I think you will like my track and it may only beat for you. How would a girl respond if you said that to her or if it was reverse I think it is super cool. He goes at the beginning “Hear my thoughts in every note, make me your radio, and turn me up when you feel low.” I hate to compare but even in Beyoncé song Radio she actually singing about being in love with music like having a wide scale love affair and I dig it sooo much. The songs are different in meaning in some ways but damn I am a sucker for a good old sad song and Stereo Hearts is that for me right now.
You know I just had one of the best contracts in my life drama free (somewhat) and just an amazing team “You know why”. I t was fun and exciting and just what I needed but I also loved meeting so many new people it was just a great time away far far away. Then Reality hits you OMG what’s next am I unemployed, no car, what the hell am I going to do. I did nothing I played some music around my birthday reflected a bit and life hit me and I didn’t dodge it. I smiled and I am still smiling it has been a great month I thoroughly enjoyed my last cruise, cool new team, missed all my new friends I made, came home and reconnected I mean I didn’t go out and get smashed in Vegas (well not at a night club) but it has been so enjoyable to be happy and not have to excuse myself or lie about it I am happy I was dancing again my liver is still in tack. My Vegas family is even more amazing. It is amazing 7 or 8 blogs’ ago I typed I want to be forgotten and you know it feels damn good to know my real friends remembered me cause I missed them I love you all for all the 1-1 conversations, drinks, shopping, drinks, laughs, drinks, patio with 5 bottles wine. You all are my rocks stars and I miss you already cause I am leaving soon in like days to go back to dancing but I will still be in America you know someone said do you and if they care they will understand. My Stereo is always on and I cant wait to see what happens next. I say this with a smile and confidence I haven’t felt never. “You only live once so get out there and live not for your mom, dad, best friend, boy friend, or girl friend, live for you leave the state, take a vacation, go hard or go home, love, cry, swim in the ocean, sit on the mountain, raise a family, plan the wedding, ask the tough questions, take a leap.” you know the old quote shoot for the moon and if you miss you will land among stars… I am about to leap and I cant wait to chill on the dark side of the moon or Float around with some supernovas either way my life is my choice and I have been taking back for the last 7 months and it feels awesome and it can only get better. Worse case scenario I have learned so much and I am not even 30. Dirty 30 I am coming with a cocktail and board shorts!!!!
Live, Love, Dance,
-I See You…-
10/25/2011
10/04/2011
A Mountain (2011-10-04)
~I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand.~
I thought I would start this one off with this quote I saw last night. I believe everyone has a purpose a meaning behind the great design the infinite power, The Universe that guides us. What that is it takes people years to find or they go through their whole life wondering and never find their purpose in life. It is kind of sad and scary when you search and search for your role in the world you never seem to find it. Which in result you always feel lost with no road to go down or no path to take. You that song airplanes I like it’s cool because I know plenty of times I sit on patio or on an open deck and wish on stars and when I see planes I wonder where are they headed I want to go. It is why I do what I do , that feeling of not knowing buying that 1-way ticket to wherever and making it work, or writing that note, sending that e-mail, showing up to that audition. Life can be a mountain of great things or a flash of awful moments small as the grain of sand. The trick is to show up the job you always wanted is right there just show up, the girl of your dreams could be right around the corner just step up to the plate. Rejection is a part of life I figure the worse case scenario is your back to the patio enjoying a glass of wine listening to some music in thought. There is no harm in trying and if you don’t get the result you want dust yourself off and try again. I was talking with my god daughter and she named off 4 things she wanted to do with her life and I told her do them all strive to be all those things why not put them in order and do it. All I wanted to do since I was 12 was Dance around the world and meet people from everywhere and I have. Before that I wanted to be a vet or go to Mars( I still may do this 1), and now I really enjoy writing and its fun so I am doing both I write when I feel like and then I hit the stage so its good. Your purpose has to be your own you cant live for other people because you will always regret what could have been. When I say it in every blog its because it is a reminder for and well it holds so true, ‘LIFE IS THE SUM OF CHOICES YOU MAKE’. I believe we make our own destiny and destiny is the bridge you build to the ones you love. My mountain is slowly forming and I like the formation it is a little beat, bruised, hurt, but stronger and can take it, it is majestic, and colorful, lush and exotic the power inside cant be moved as quickly as it could before it grew to stand it. I am in love with my mountain it holds secrets that only the right people can unlock. As this old lady told me I am an unclaimed treasure, my purpose has always been clear I just have to believe my mountain will stand the tests of time and go back to being a hill or hump and now I know it can it is like a phoenix rising from its own ashes growing stronger, wiser, and built to last. What your purpose? Are you still looking? Is it too far out your reach? Then built a bridge, climb the ladder, take the flight, write the e-mail and guess what whatever the outcome you come out on top because at least you know you tried and what’s the harm in trying if the alternative is to live in doubt about what life could be like. Grab life by the horns and ride the rollercoaster in the front row so you can see it up close and personal and not in the back seeing flashes of happiness see it first hand and enjoy it. At the end of the day you only live once and what’s the point of living if you not happy…
I will end this post with this quote take from this what you will.
~God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.~
I thought I would start this one off with this quote I saw last night. I believe everyone has a purpose a meaning behind the great design the infinite power, The Universe that guides us. What that is it takes people years to find or they go through their whole life wondering and never find their purpose in life. It is kind of sad and scary when you search and search for your role in the world you never seem to find it. Which in result you always feel lost with no road to go down or no path to take. You that song airplanes I like it’s cool because I know plenty of times I sit on patio or on an open deck and wish on stars and when I see planes I wonder where are they headed I want to go. It is why I do what I do , that feeling of not knowing buying that 1-way ticket to wherever and making it work, or writing that note, sending that e-mail, showing up to that audition. Life can be a mountain of great things or a flash of awful moments small as the grain of sand. The trick is to show up the job you always wanted is right there just show up, the girl of your dreams could be right around the corner just step up to the plate. Rejection is a part of life I figure the worse case scenario is your back to the patio enjoying a glass of wine listening to some music in thought. There is no harm in trying and if you don’t get the result you want dust yourself off and try again. I was talking with my god daughter and she named off 4 things she wanted to do with her life and I told her do them all strive to be all those things why not put them in order and do it. All I wanted to do since I was 12 was Dance around the world and meet people from everywhere and I have. Before that I wanted to be a vet or go to Mars( I still may do this 1), and now I really enjoy writing and its fun so I am doing both I write when I feel like and then I hit the stage so its good. Your purpose has to be your own you cant live for other people because you will always regret what could have been. When I say it in every blog its because it is a reminder for and well it holds so true, ‘LIFE IS THE SUM OF CHOICES YOU MAKE’. I believe we make our own destiny and destiny is the bridge you build to the ones you love. My mountain is slowly forming and I like the formation it is a little beat, bruised, hurt, but stronger and can take it, it is majestic, and colorful, lush and exotic the power inside cant be moved as quickly as it could before it grew to stand it. I am in love with my mountain it holds secrets that only the right people can unlock. As this old lady told me I am an unclaimed treasure, my purpose has always been clear I just have to believe my mountain will stand the tests of time and go back to being a hill or hump and now I know it can it is like a phoenix rising from its own ashes growing stronger, wiser, and built to last. What your purpose? Are you still looking? Is it too far out your reach? Then built a bridge, climb the ladder, take the flight, write the e-mail and guess what whatever the outcome you come out on top because at least you know you tried and what’s the harm in trying if the alternative is to live in doubt about what life could be like. Grab life by the horns and ride the rollercoaster in the front row so you can see it up close and personal and not in the back seeing flashes of happiness see it first hand and enjoy it. At the end of the day you only live once and what’s the point of living if you not happy…
I will end this post with this quote take from this what you will.
~God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.~
9/27/2011
Incomplete Happy Ending (2011-09-24)
Incomplete Happy Ending
I enjoy writing what is in my head it soothes the woe’s in my world it calms my storm, but a part me of hopes you get it and get something from it. What is my happy ending a family of course which my shock some and some will totally get this, I want a wife who loves every part of me and we get each other in everyway. A daughter who is stunning and talented and knows that she is loved. Which sounds absolutely amazing but life for me could also be completely fulfilled watching my god daughter and god sons get older and become adults attend my friends weddings and showers and anniversary parties and be content being a traveling dancer or choreographer or teacher or public speaker. Both are equally amazing in my eyes and would die a happy pappy if either was my life. But its incomplete my happy ending that is. I was reading lately I know don’t kill me it is very rare only in times of deep thought anyhow I read this amazing quote by T.S. Elliott it reads “I will show you fear in a hand full of dust.” It means we are not actually afraid of dying we fear that no one will notice our absents, that we will disappear without a trace. That is a scary and profound couple of lines, I know I am not scared of dying I have embraced death since I was a teen but the thought of being forgotten, no one at my funeral, no one missing me is kind of sad. I thought a lot about the quote and the future and it resurfaced my senior class motto “Life is a journey not a destination”(Thanks Dee Av). Which is so true I feel the world is missing so many precious moments because they are trying so hard to get to the destination with the journey. Life is meaningless if there is no struggle, pain, joy, happiness, bumps, bruises, hugs, kisses. I think I personally block my happy ending, who knows the reason fear probably what happens when I get all I ever wanted? Do I deserve it, is it real? Am I happy? Those questions go through my head. Its funny right before ever show I stretch listening to music super loud in my ears and while I am in my zone I thank the universe for my gifts and my family and friends and thank it for all that it is because I wouldn’t be without it. Its simple to me being happy it comes natural, then why I am so scared of these Happy Endings and why are they incomplete? Am I frightened at the thought of being alone or no one missing me when I am gone? I am terrified of waking up next to same person until I am gone or them leaving me? I am ultimately worried about things that haven’t happen and if they did then it was a life lesson and I try to take the best from it. In my own head I think who is going to sit around pausing their life while I travel and dance and travel some more. No one will that’s why I am not expecting it to just fall on my lap. I understand the sacrifices I make daily to do what I do and the walls I put up to keep everyone at arms distance so I don’t get hurt. I know I miss so much thinking that way but as some quote said “its better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all”. And trust me I have loved however now so many of my friendships and relationships are convenient, shallow, uninteresting, lifeless because who cares anymore. I mean who genuinely cares very few people and they know who they are I love them and I try and tell them as much as I can because with those few people life becomes harder. The incomplete happy ending is father away from me with out some ground work some stability friends who care, family that matters, career worth enjoying. Those things push me to be better do better, and the journey isn’t over. I was watching one of the movies I tend to watch way too much and it says “Destiny is the Bridge you build to the ones you love”. I take that with me along with “Life is the Sum of Choices you Make”. you know when your mom says wait till you get older and life will begin to fly by and well once again you were right mom. I am in my late 20’s now and it is crazy how fast things have happened and how much has happen in that time. We are only on Earth for a brief moment in time and what we do with that time defines us. So my happy ending may be incomplete but I am always optimistic and hopeful.
I enjoy writing what is in my head it soothes the woe’s in my world it calms my storm, but a part me of hopes you get it and get something from it. What is my happy ending a family of course which my shock some and some will totally get this, I want a wife who loves every part of me and we get each other in everyway. A daughter who is stunning and talented and knows that she is loved. Which sounds absolutely amazing but life for me could also be completely fulfilled watching my god daughter and god sons get older and become adults attend my friends weddings and showers and anniversary parties and be content being a traveling dancer or choreographer or teacher or public speaker. Both are equally amazing in my eyes and would die a happy pappy if either was my life. But its incomplete my happy ending that is. I was reading lately I know don’t kill me it is very rare only in times of deep thought anyhow I read this amazing quote by T.S. Elliott it reads “I will show you fear in a hand full of dust.” It means we are not actually afraid of dying we fear that no one will notice our absents, that we will disappear without a trace. That is a scary and profound couple of lines, I know I am not scared of dying I have embraced death since I was a teen but the thought of being forgotten, no one at my funeral, no one missing me is kind of sad. I thought a lot about the quote and the future and it resurfaced my senior class motto “Life is a journey not a destination”(Thanks Dee Av). Which is so true I feel the world is missing so many precious moments because they are trying so hard to get to the destination with the journey. Life is meaningless if there is no struggle, pain, joy, happiness, bumps, bruises, hugs, kisses. I think I personally block my happy ending, who knows the reason fear probably what happens when I get all I ever wanted? Do I deserve it, is it real? Am I happy? Those questions go through my head. Its funny right before ever show I stretch listening to music super loud in my ears and while I am in my zone I thank the universe for my gifts and my family and friends and thank it for all that it is because I wouldn’t be without it. Its simple to me being happy it comes natural, then why I am so scared of these Happy Endings and why are they incomplete? Am I frightened at the thought of being alone or no one missing me when I am gone? I am terrified of waking up next to same person until I am gone or them leaving me? I am ultimately worried about things that haven’t happen and if they did then it was a life lesson and I try to take the best from it. In my own head I think who is going to sit around pausing their life while I travel and dance and travel some more. No one will that’s why I am not expecting it to just fall on my lap. I understand the sacrifices I make daily to do what I do and the walls I put up to keep everyone at arms distance so I don’t get hurt. I know I miss so much thinking that way but as some quote said “its better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all”. And trust me I have loved however now so many of my friendships and relationships are convenient, shallow, uninteresting, lifeless because who cares anymore. I mean who genuinely cares very few people and they know who they are I love them and I try and tell them as much as I can because with those few people life becomes harder. The incomplete happy ending is father away from me with out some ground work some stability friends who care, family that matters, career worth enjoying. Those things push me to be better do better, and the journey isn’t over. I was watching one of the movies I tend to watch way too much and it says “Destiny is the Bridge you build to the ones you love”. I take that with me along with “Life is the Sum of Choices you Make”. you know when your mom says wait till you get older and life will begin to fly by and well once again you were right mom. I am in my late 20’s now and it is crazy how fast things have happened and how much has happen in that time. We are only on Earth for a brief moment in time and what we do with that time defines us. So my happy ending may be incomplete but I am always optimistic and hopeful.
9/11/2011
Unknown (2011-09-12)
The UNKNOWN it is so well unknown and that is the intrigue the lure
the attraction that is so cool to me right now in my life. I just got
another year older which means so much has happen in 365 days it isn’t
even funny jobs, friends, change life in motion and not stopping along
the way just brief pauses. In less then a month I will be unemployed and
have so many things to think about dance, life, love, and well life
again. It’s not the woes of school, or bad kids, or upset wife or
girlfriend, awful job, long hours which be reason to freak or not. I am
wondered I my make a bad decision it wouldn’t be the first time but
that’s why I am so up in the air. Those so called missteps made me who I
am now and I wouldn’t change that even if I could because I would be a
different version of me an Alternate Universe Ty (Fringe reference).
UNKNOWN is my comfort zone well it used to be now I freak out about
rent, bills, money, life, girls, people, weather, clothes. I remember I
simpler me unmoved by the world just went with it the Earth turned and I
lived in my world which turned flipped, danced, laughed, cried all
things that are so forced now why? I freak out about what I cant control
I cant control peoples feelings, circumstance it is how I react to
these situations that define me(not) because I don’t need a definition
but just a reason for being. I am falling in love with the unknown again
it is a great feeling I recommend it anyone who needs to jump head
first. My amazing mom would tell me and my bro this quote as we were
growing up so we wouldn’t let women break our hearts. “Ed Tim jump in
feet first so about time you get knee deep you will find out how full of
shit she really is, because when you jump in head first its to close to
your heart.” Take that leap to the unknown it is scary as hell but
worth the pee n your pants LOL. I think I may buy a one way ticket to
anywhere and play it by ear or propose to the woman of my dreams, I may
live for a bit, dance because it fun. Who knows that’s why they call it
the UNKNOWN. I know better then most its hard to say bye I think it gets
easier each time but it’s a façade I miss them soo much all of you
weather it has been 7 months or 7 years I miss you. If I go off grind
accept it, if I get engaged deal with it, if I move to Europe dammit get
skype. But embrace the life’s you have they are amazing moms, college
grad, beautiful showgirls, awesome dancer, hot wifes, strong, amazing
men cheers to you all for living your life’s I love you all. I want to
take those leaps those moments of UNKNOWN that changes the way I look at
this world that looked so different years ago. Look at it better then I
did before and different then I do now, well at the end I start at the
beginning the UNKNOWN is intriguing, alluring, scary, and fun if you let
HELL if I let it…
-I See You…-
-I See You…-
9/07/2011
Runaway (2011-08-23)
~Runaway~
Great little title for the thought process I am in right now. I Dig the meaning the title and the essence of it to me. First it is the title of Janet Jackson hit as well as P!nk’s hit song both of which are on my mind in this moment in my life. I was listening to the song and I realized that I don’t wanna runaway I just need to escape my outer head for a bit. I am loving the space I am in right now it is a much different space then a year ago or even 6 month ago or hell even since I started this contract. So what does Runaway mean to me the actual meaning is the songs in themselves I love it I just wanna go somewhere calm and cool, nice and relaxing I just feel as if it all that I am. I Love the Janet Jackson song its about just going somewhere new and seeing it for what it is “I See You…” sort of speak I love that aspect of it very real very straight forward. Seen the world been to many places I Love the lyrics in it just what it is Runaway alone and enjoying life but missing that element of someone else to share it with. I understand that meaning so much its not funny but I love the other half of the token. P!nk’s version is so different in the fact she want to just get away and be in her zone just her is a great concept to want to make real in your life. To leave everything behind and just wanna get away for whatever reason. I love both concepts so much because I am both these and neither (MindF*ck). I was going to write about destiny but the last couple weeks all I could get on the page was destiny is the bridge to the one you love. That it 3 weeks behind this laptop that’s all I had not good so I dug deep in me to see what is really on my mind and I would soon see these 2 songs. I googled the lyrics to both even though I know both too well I wanted to read the words to each and see them in my head. It was a third a song and it was titled runaway as well but it was a rock song from Linkin’ Park and I didn’t wanna go there but I will. It is funny in their version he just wanted to run a find the truth and get away from the pain, runaway and never say goodbye. It is powerful and absolute and period. Where as the the other 2 have something a lil more but not really all 3 are special to me cause it all consists on Running away and I don’t see me running away just thinking I would love to wake up in India, Africa, Europe and all these other places that promise tranquility and relax. And maybe I am running from something even so its ok to be alone and have no reason to do what is right but do what is necessary for you to move and grow as a human and a a evolved species. I have been finishing this all month and runaway isn’t what I want I want to Run but with someone some special person that makes it worth it, you know long hours or hard rehearsals. Business trips or 6 months in another country or cruise ship. Where are you I am a patient man but time is a luxury for people who believe in more then just now but the forever the eternal. I want what is so far out my reach because I want it to be not because it actually is. We make our destiny like the movie says destiny is the bridge you build to the ones you love. Life is the sum of choices you make. Well that is quite enough for now be back soon…
:) -I See You…-
Great little title for the thought process I am in right now. I Dig the meaning the title and the essence of it to me. First it is the title of Janet Jackson hit as well as P!nk’s hit song both of which are on my mind in this moment in my life. I was listening to the song and I realized that I don’t wanna runaway I just need to escape my outer head for a bit. I am loving the space I am in right now it is a much different space then a year ago or even 6 month ago or hell even since I started this contract. So what does Runaway mean to me the actual meaning is the songs in themselves I love it I just wanna go somewhere calm and cool, nice and relaxing I just feel as if it all that I am. I Love the Janet Jackson song its about just going somewhere new and seeing it for what it is “I See You…” sort of speak I love that aspect of it very real very straight forward. Seen the world been to many places I Love the lyrics in it just what it is Runaway alone and enjoying life but missing that element of someone else to share it with. I understand that meaning so much its not funny but I love the other half of the token. P!nk’s version is so different in the fact she want to just get away and be in her zone just her is a great concept to want to make real in your life. To leave everything behind and just wanna get away for whatever reason. I love both concepts so much because I am both these and neither (MindF*ck). I was going to write about destiny but the last couple weeks all I could get on the page was destiny is the bridge to the one you love. That it 3 weeks behind this laptop that’s all I had not good so I dug deep in me to see what is really on my mind and I would soon see these 2 songs. I googled the lyrics to both even though I know both too well I wanted to read the words to each and see them in my head. It was a third a song and it was titled runaway as well but it was a rock song from Linkin’ Park and I didn’t wanna go there but I will. It is funny in their version he just wanted to run a find the truth and get away from the pain, runaway and never say goodbye. It is powerful and absolute and period. Where as the the other 2 have something a lil more but not really all 3 are special to me cause it all consists on Running away and I don’t see me running away just thinking I would love to wake up in India, Africa, Europe and all these other places that promise tranquility and relax. And maybe I am running from something even so its ok to be alone and have no reason to do what is right but do what is necessary for you to move and grow as a human and a a evolved species. I have been finishing this all month and runaway isn’t what I want I want to Run but with someone some special person that makes it worth it, you know long hours or hard rehearsals. Business trips or 6 months in another country or cruise ship. Where are you I am a patient man but time is a luxury for people who believe in more then just now but the forever the eternal. I want what is so far out my reach because I want it to be not because it actually is. We make our destiny like the movie says destiny is the bridge you build to the ones you love. Life is the sum of choices you make. Well that is quite enough for now be back soon…
:) -I See You…-
8/01/2011
Complicated (7-31-2011)
I warn off this title because it was either this one or “Cold” so I chose this one. It is the title of 1 of Rihanna’s songs off her loud album and I am diggin’ it right not. Who isn’t Complicated? Lies if you said you aren’t everyone is complicated in some way, I don’t like when people say I am a great girlfriend or boyfriend I am easy to be with, its not hard to be with me. I call bullshit everyone has a complicated personality the only difference is when we meet someone weather friend or more then that your complicated traits and behavior are subdued because you guys mesh well. Why is everything with you so complicated when you hear that leave, cut your loses and move on. Don’t make something work difficult is part of growing but complicated is 2 opposites that don’t attract or 2 of a kind that mesh awful together.
How do you know when enough is enough, when flattering becomes unnecessary lust, when happiness and settling the same word, when your insecurities are all you live on, when the little things no longer matter, these for me are all things that make me Complicated. But I am completely ok with saying it out loud or writing it on paper. I love this skin most of the time as appose to some of the time. I have been learning so much in last couple years just about how I only saw the world in my eyes and that’s all I needed it was and is just me I don’t need to experience everything because for 1 that’s impossible in 1 lifetime. At least now things in me are a bit different, I know now not everyone you meet is looking for the best interest in you, not everyone is forgiving, there are truly some evil things in the world. And well life goes with or with out me I just got to pick my roads and live with those decisions. I can do that I don’t mind so much the ups and downs of living my life anymore I just realize more each year each month I sit behind this laptop pouring out my thoughts to the world that LIFE is what you make it and I know I say it quite frequently but holds true to me and that I will never defer from. Life is complicated we make choices on others wants and needs not on our hearts and what our soul moves us to do. If everyone did what they felt and was passionate about things in our world right now be different but its ok because life is complicated and that alright. I am not easy to love, be around sometime, loud, compulsive, committed only to my career, over bullshit, love being alone, I am sure about the things I can’t control, I bruise easily, I love hard, I love often, I hate just as fast, I feel. I am complicated and for me that’s ok I don’t care if it effects people who I am or what I do or where I live or who my friends are or how often I visit, keep in touch etc. I keep in touch because I love people and feel connected to my friends and family on the same side of that coin parts of me wants to write post theses blogs and that’s it disappear into another country, another city, and only surface to write about my life and live. I feel obligated to not do too much I don’t wanna worry friends or family about my life but no longer what I do after this contract is my own where I go what I do is my own and mines alone. I am COMPLICATED I am constantly evolving and with this month I found some strength in me I have never seen before. I am me take it or leave it. What makes you complicated and our your friends and family ok with that? Who cares the ones that loves you is all that matters in the real world. I am Complicated because complicated isn’t bad it just is. Your complications are your own, own them, live through them, embrace them. I love your complicatedness it makes you unique and I love you for it so in closing love me cause I AM COMPLICATED…
How do you know when enough is enough, when flattering becomes unnecessary lust, when happiness and settling the same word, when your insecurities are all you live on, when the little things no longer matter, these for me are all things that make me Complicated. But I am completely ok with saying it out loud or writing it on paper. I love this skin most of the time as appose to some of the time. I have been learning so much in last couple years just about how I only saw the world in my eyes and that’s all I needed it was and is just me I don’t need to experience everything because for 1 that’s impossible in 1 lifetime. At least now things in me are a bit different, I know now not everyone you meet is looking for the best interest in you, not everyone is forgiving, there are truly some evil things in the world. And well life goes with or with out me I just got to pick my roads and live with those decisions. I can do that I don’t mind so much the ups and downs of living my life anymore I just realize more each year each month I sit behind this laptop pouring out my thoughts to the world that LIFE is what you make it and I know I say it quite frequently but holds true to me and that I will never defer from. Life is complicated we make choices on others wants and needs not on our hearts and what our soul moves us to do. If everyone did what they felt and was passionate about things in our world right now be different but its ok because life is complicated and that alright. I am not easy to love, be around sometime, loud, compulsive, committed only to my career, over bullshit, love being alone, I am sure about the things I can’t control, I bruise easily, I love hard, I love often, I hate just as fast, I feel. I am complicated and for me that’s ok I don’t care if it effects people who I am or what I do or where I live or who my friends are or how often I visit, keep in touch etc. I keep in touch because I love people and feel connected to my friends and family on the same side of that coin parts of me wants to write post theses blogs and that’s it disappear into another country, another city, and only surface to write about my life and live. I feel obligated to not do too much I don’t wanna worry friends or family about my life but no longer what I do after this contract is my own where I go what I do is my own and mines alone. I am COMPLICATED I am constantly evolving and with this month I found some strength in me I have never seen before. I am me take it or leave it. What makes you complicated and our your friends and family ok with that? Who cares the ones that loves you is all that matters in the real world. I am Complicated because complicated isn’t bad it just is. Your complications are your own, own them, live through them, embrace them. I love your complicatedness it makes you unique and I love you for it so in closing love me cause I AM COMPLICATED…
6/26/2011
The Best Thing I Never Had (6-26-2011)
So to start this off “THANK GOD I FOUND THE GOOD IN GOOD-BYE” And true story I love this saying and the meaning behind it and I feel it completely. Thank God I found I the good thing about saying good-bye, sometime the hardest thing to say is good bye but in listening this song and before that actually living its crazy how so much has changed and how much is clear and in focus for the first time in my life the good thing about good bye is that it is not forever it is forever to the people it needs to be forever for. But on the other side its good I found the good in goodbye because it was too freakin hard to say good bye Colette, Amanda T, Amanda P, Carrie, Junebug, Shelby, Steve B, Sara, Chad, Bobbie, Jonah, Erik, Joey L, Mary, Jesse, (I can go on for another page you all know I love you). I Know now it wasn’t good bye it was see you later see you sooner then later. Good times or bad I wanted them to know you’re my family you’re my rock on which I grow from and know that you will always be there weather in my worse of worse moments or watching Smallville on your couch, or eating all types of hours or drunken craziness, or just listening to each other talk about the fact I have known you way too long. In any case it has been a trip to say life has been a series of “fortunate” accidents. I am blessed and so happy for all the fiends I made on this contract Meghan, Danii, Skye, Kevin, Elisa, Ann- Marie, Katrina, Igor, Hanna,Todd I could go on for a while but you get the point that so many people have and are still caring and loving and there trough thick and thin. I wish in some other dimension I could get all my friends both past and present to just meet an say Hey I knew HIM at this point in his life you guys both past and present I think about so many of you constantly and in the little stories I have in this not you know who some of you are. LOL On that I am so threw with BS I have seen a lot and been through so much and have had friends be more then just a friend but a saving grace and that’s when you separate the good from the great, I love every thing I have been through in the last 2+ decades I wish I could have seen the forest from the trees sooner but now I can and I have and now I am a lot happier because I can smell BS coming a mile away and I can no thanks next. You know I know I talk so much either online or in person the difference is if you are reading this you wanna hear me talk hahaha. I truly Love the title because it hold true on a lot of topics. I am so glad for most people I am the best thing they will never have, I love me all of me I am watching Buffy from the beginning and her and Angel are Bella & Edward of my time. Angel would watch Buffy sleep and it was hot and he was scared of the damn sun LOL Random I know but true. Okay back on topic. Sorry you know I get side tracked I would love to mention everyone in my life that have been good or even great. And given the right encouragement (Alcohol) I would love to mention the blessing goodbye has brought me. I was talking to some pretty awesome friends who just got married and I miss them but I remember who I was when I met both of them and who I am know and its crazy how life can change and things go. Its also amazing that when can sit on Skype for 2 hours just laughing and talking about everything that we used to love, what we love now, and just kick it. Life is also amazing how you can be so close to someone then life happens and you fall out you separate and that void is so not easily filled then, 1 of you has to have the courage to say listen either we fix this or I will burn your house down. The best part about being an adult is making better decisions then you did before and I love that I can now. The best thing about the song is for me just the realness of it I got it I get it I love it its pure honest and fun. I needed this song because it reminds me life experiences and the things I miss and thankful for the things that are gone. Okay in closing I feel obligated to say if you are upset I didn’t mention you don’t be your in my <3 or on the other side thank God I found the good-bye. Stay classy San Diego!! Live, Love, Dance
5/16/2011
GONE (05-15-2011)
I like this title it is from somewhere different then I tend to think or feel. It is the title of a song off Jennifer Hudson’s new album but the song is not a inspiration to this lil’ piece of my mind today. This comes to the world in time of great crisis and calm, love and sorrow, confusion and clarity. The world is screwed up and I don’t mean on just what’s happening if you watch CNN for 30seconds there is disaster everywhere both naturally and what were doing. I was watching TV in Stockholm and it was just awful so much pain, misery, sorrow, and just damn sadness but then you see a glimpse of light; a new set of twins are born or someone does something extraordinary and you smile just for a second. For me it was the Royal Wedding cheesy I know because I am not British but it was so beautiful to see something just genuinely nice and uplifting and fun. So much is uncertain and people say so much about the future you hear the whispers shhh “The World is Ending” it the End of Days according to this legend or this script or this old woman or rich man bored. The world has been ending since we got on it look out the window you can’t throw a rock in any direction without hitting a new skyscraper or some new gas gosling device or computer that will help you wipe your ass better. I personally don’t care either way if the natural disasters keep getting worse or if a nuke takes us out or Aliens finally get pissed about getting experimented on or a meteor comes were GONE. Tell me what could you do? LIVE in this moment stop pacing your life around this myth or prophecy or ancient guess if something happens then roll with if the world stops turns suck it up we did our part to fuck it up and we have deal with the fact that mother nature is kinda pissed right now. If it gets worse prepare for bad weather don’t everyone run and get saved and start prayer after 20, or 30 years of silence you want to get close to something because you think it’s the end. If eternity if forever then hey sign me up when its my time. But enjoy this moment NOW in this time, I have missed close friends wedding, babies born, funerals, engagement parties, graduations, so many celebrations because I was dancing or well it is always because of dance LOL. My goddaughter is HS and I won’t miss her graduation my 2 godsons is told there mom to tell them about me so they know me when I can see them more. My family knows I love them and that I do this for me because I don’t want regrets in my life. I feel bad that I missed these moments but I wouldn’t change it because I would have missed parts of me. I see those moments are GONE now I have to make the time to do those things because my family and friends have always been there weather it’s my Amazing Aunt who I just got back in touch with after 10 years or some new amazing friends I have met in all these years of traveling and seeing the world, or Tee Boo Big Dave, Lord Fokqua and Granny Goodness and the rest of the family that deal with ME and if you know me you know that is a full time job LOL. Sometimes things are GONE forever and that’s life and sometimes things are only out your grasp until you want them to be in arms reach. So much is changing in life in the world my favorite show is now over and I feel empty and down it was apart of me for 10 years and 218 episodes and its bittersweet to me. Its GONE and I have to change the things I can change and deal with the things I can’t. Life is always fleeting LOVE big and wild because 2morrow may not come, DANCE like this is your last performance, and LIVE like this moment is your last. Enjoy what you can enjoy and filter the rest weather your younger or older something is GONE and you want it back if it’s a girl pour your heart and deal with the consequences, if it’s a job work your ass off to get it. But know when to move forward and not dwell in the past.
-LIVE, LOVE, DANCE-
I See You…
5/04/2011
Don't Hold Your Breath... (05-04-2011)
I like that title it fits in so well for right now in my universe I love it its not bitter, jaded, or upset it just is and that is great. Ironically it is the title to a song by the lovely and amazing Nicole Scherzinger. It is some powerful words behind this song I first heard it right after I finished my last Blog which was right before I got on board the ship and let me just say so much has happen. I love the things that’s happening in my life, life has a funny way of giving you exactly what you need when you need it. You know I remember moving to Las Vegas thinking I never want to do ships again I had my fun I seen the world and well that was that. I come back and even in rehearsal I was thrown by how much I loved the environment of so many dancers from everywhere just dancing. 3 casts in and out of rehearsal in a gorgeous facility and just the whole rehearsal period of 8 hours of dance. Then we get to this floating city and I am taken back by the whole life all over again the put-ins, costume fittings, handover parties, opening night nerves, and finally random night of random events with random people LOL.
I choose this title because I love what she sings about in this song it is true and real and hurtful and a bit pissed off and I get it. To say to someone don’t hold your breath is powerful, people think in all cultures they have that power over you and if you allow them they do and that is what could make the most decent of people do awful things. If we don’t allow that to happen or you cut it off before it becomes a part of who you are then good on you. She says “I loved you so much that I thought that you could change and all you brought me is a heart full of pain”. She also goes on to say “your days gone lets face facts the bad movie ends and the screen fades to black”. When you think about the meaning behind all she is saying and what do you get from it I get it Love, even Like is a fickle thing and you have to have the stomach to deal with rejection and with acceptance. “If you think I’m coming back Don’t Hold Your Breath” I love that it is exactly what it is sometimes we get so sweep up in the world we know that we miss so much in the actual world that’s going on without us even knowing it. We had a beautiful royal wedding that I watched and loved, we have so many wars going on and the killing of a major terrorist I am not even going to touch on the weather. Look up and smile that you alive and well and know things could be better.
Sorry another tangent but I look up and think where would I be if I didn’t leave Michigan or I didn’t leave Disney I don’t know but I do know the people along the way that made this journey difficult and yet I am thankful for them even more then the ones I love dearly and those people know who they are. But without the enemies, back stabbing friends, and well the crazies you lay in bed with you truly don’t appreciate the amazing friends you have in your life trust me I know I have had my fair share of fake friends, awful people, and SHITTY relationships. I look back and I don’t know why I never had the strength to leave or stand up I guess those bad movies ended and the screened faded to black and now I write my life well only certain parts LOL I can only live with the circumstances I put myself in and that is all I would ask to do.
“Life is the Sum of Choices you Make” make some wrong choices and grow from them, make good and enjoy them.
-I Don’t live for the enjoyment of Others
-I See You…-
I choose this title because I love what she sings about in this song it is true and real and hurtful and a bit pissed off and I get it. To say to someone don’t hold your breath is powerful, people think in all cultures they have that power over you and if you allow them they do and that is what could make the most decent of people do awful things. If we don’t allow that to happen or you cut it off before it becomes a part of who you are then good on you. She says “I loved you so much that I thought that you could change and all you brought me is a heart full of pain”. She also goes on to say “your days gone lets face facts the bad movie ends and the screen fades to black”. When you think about the meaning behind all she is saying and what do you get from it I get it Love, even Like is a fickle thing and you have to have the stomach to deal with rejection and with acceptance. “If you think I’m coming back Don’t Hold Your Breath” I love that it is exactly what it is sometimes we get so sweep up in the world we know that we miss so much in the actual world that’s going on without us even knowing it. We had a beautiful royal wedding that I watched and loved, we have so many wars going on and the killing of a major terrorist I am not even going to touch on the weather. Look up and smile that you alive and well and know things could be better.
Sorry another tangent but I look up and think where would I be if I didn’t leave Michigan or I didn’t leave Disney I don’t know but I do know the people along the way that made this journey difficult and yet I am thankful for them even more then the ones I love dearly and those people know who they are. But without the enemies, back stabbing friends, and well the crazies you lay in bed with you truly don’t appreciate the amazing friends you have in your life trust me I know I have had my fair share of fake friends, awful people, and SHITTY relationships. I look back and I don’t know why I never had the strength to leave or stand up I guess those bad movies ended and the screened faded to black and now I write my life well only certain parts LOL I can only live with the circumstances I put myself in and that is all I would ask to do.
“Life is the Sum of Choices you Make” make some wrong choices and grow from them, make good and enjoy them.
-I Don’t live for the enjoyment of Others
-I See You…-
3/14/2011
I See You.. Don't Hold Back ( 3-14-2011)
So I hope in reading this one you have read or will read the Prequel to this 1 that I wrote in June of last year. So much has happen so much has changed so much is not what is was when I wrote that Blog. Well for 1 thing I am a little older, wiser, smarter, dumber, patient, focused and less stressed and for me that is amazing on top of all that a lot has changed. I am leaving in a couple day for a 7 month contract over in the Baltic and I found myself last week sad and not just sad down. I started to think what is going on life is happening your no longer stagnant or miserable or unhappy what is it DAMN. And it hit me I am moving at a pace I wanted but didn't expect i was overwhelmed about what was happening and underwhelmed about what previously was happening in my world. Why couldn't I just be Whelmed. I missed normality or my version of normality house, constant friends you see, grocery stores, traffic, just things 3 years ago was foreign to me became routine and a part of life as i knew it and now it was gone. I lost some people life happens that way and all I can do is keep it moving in the direction that I think is best for my life right now in this moment, And this is it what I am doing right now 8 hours of dance with a bunch of great personalities that I am trying to SEE and that is the beauty of life. We are all so different in such amazing ways that truly seeing them is a great journey I am on in that journey finding new things about me that I am so excited about. As sure as the wind blows I say "Life is the Sum of Choices You Make." I believe that i have lived by this quote for soo many years now its not even funny.
I had some Amazing people rise to my corner not in no particular order; Colette,Shelby, Carrie, Amanda P, Bobbie, Dee(Tia), Junebug, Steve, Jason, Slim, Sara Lenn, Chad, Audrey, Rodney, L-Dogg. As some of you know this line or may not "IT WAS THEN MY CHILD THAT I CARRIED YOU" I take it as he sent these people to me to help, heal, love, uplift, comfort, encourage. And I thank them a million times over because I TRULY SEE THEM. And I see life so much better and with better eyes because of those people there were other family, friends who are no longer in my life. But we all play a part and for however long we play that part is unknown but it was Love that I loved. Let me say Life is hard it will be hard especially when you living your dream, I only hope your dream doesn't become a nightmare in pursuing your dream.
What have I Seen that is so different LIFE of course what other reason do we do what we do. I am an Enigma the surface me is not all of me it is the only me I want to go to the front lines because he can deal with the back lash of hatred, ignorance, closed-minded people, and change to a degree. All of me can't I went home to Vegas a couple of days ago and to say it was great was an understatement I LIVED. I sat in the audience watching a show that I was part of for so long watching people I truly SAW up there i was watered up with Emotions and I was taken back by them as performers and as people. Then seeing some people who have always been there no matter my antics, or issues, or parties LOL.
"To Love and to have that Love returned is the greatest gift of all" and the 2 parts to this is Epic you have to open yourself up to love then you have to willing to receive it as well which is hard for alot of people on both parts. Some can't open their heart either way.
Let Go of the restraints that's holding you from life's greatest joys CONNECTING and being connected to other people thats how you grow, evolve, change, enrich. It's hard for me daily and lately its been a a mini battle to relax, relate, chill, and just be. But I am finding my balance again I was turned upside down lately with dance, life, friends, family, and life but that is what makes life worth living right.
To wrap up my always lengthy Blogs I See You... the good the bad the ugly and I am not going nowhere because that what people do when they truly LOVE. for everyone new in my life give me time to See You open yourself up to be seen. the people that I have known if I dont know you by now whats stopping us from Seeing into each other Help me HELP US. I dont wanna live an unfulfilled with just random people in it, I want the of Humanity in my eyes in my life in my world and there is no need to settle for half assness LIFE IS TOO SHORT.
Please Love and be willing to accept when someone wants to love you in return. "Life is the Sum of Choices you Make" so live with the aftermath. Accept Change life is in a constant state of Change. See people beyond face value. Never forget the bounds you make some can't be broken no matter, time, space, distance, or circumstance!!!
-I SEE YOU...-
I had some Amazing people rise to my corner not in no particular order; Colette,Shelby, Carrie, Amanda P, Bobbie, Dee(Tia), Junebug, Steve, Jason, Slim, Sara Lenn, Chad, Audrey, Rodney, L-Dogg. As some of you know this line or may not "IT WAS THEN MY CHILD THAT I CARRIED YOU" I take it as he sent these people to me to help, heal, love, uplift, comfort, encourage. And I thank them a million times over because I TRULY SEE THEM. And I see life so much better and with better eyes because of those people there were other family, friends who are no longer in my life. But we all play a part and for however long we play that part is unknown but it was Love that I loved. Let me say Life is hard it will be hard especially when you living your dream, I only hope your dream doesn't become a nightmare in pursuing your dream.
What have I Seen that is so different LIFE of course what other reason do we do what we do. I am an Enigma the surface me is not all of me it is the only me I want to go to the front lines because he can deal with the back lash of hatred, ignorance, closed-minded people, and change to a degree. All of me can't I went home to Vegas a couple of days ago and to say it was great was an understatement I LIVED. I sat in the audience watching a show that I was part of for so long watching people I truly SAW up there i was watered up with Emotions and I was taken back by them as performers and as people. Then seeing some people who have always been there no matter my antics, or issues, or parties LOL.
"To Love and to have that Love returned is the greatest gift of all" and the 2 parts to this is Epic you have to open yourself up to love then you have to willing to receive it as well which is hard for alot of people on both parts. Some can't open their heart either way.
Let Go of the restraints that's holding you from life's greatest joys CONNECTING and being connected to other people thats how you grow, evolve, change, enrich. It's hard for me daily and lately its been a a mini battle to relax, relate, chill, and just be. But I am finding my balance again I was turned upside down lately with dance, life, friends, family, and life but that is what makes life worth living right.
To wrap up my always lengthy Blogs I See You... the good the bad the ugly and I am not going nowhere because that what people do when they truly LOVE. for everyone new in my life give me time to See You open yourself up to be seen. the people that I have known if I dont know you by now whats stopping us from Seeing into each other Help me HELP US. I dont wanna live an unfulfilled with just random people in it, I want the of Humanity in my eyes in my life in my world and there is no need to settle for half assness LIFE IS TOO SHORT.
Please Love and be willing to accept when someone wants to love you in return. "Life is the Sum of Choices you Make" so live with the aftermath. Accept Change life is in a constant state of Change. See people beyond face value. Never forget the bounds you make some can't be broken no matter, time, space, distance, or circumstance!!!
-I SEE YOU...-
2/14/2011
Talkin' To The Moon!!! (2-14-2011)
"Great Song Bruno Mars new Album"
It is an interesting concept but so many people do it and invest hours in doing that exact thing. I do it so much its bright, gorgeous, quiet, and sometimes answers back to you in unusual ways. One I can't believe its Feb and two it is the day before Valentines Day. Crazy how quickly life happens and changes in a sort f blink of an eye, in less then a week I will be leaving for a new gig and an exciting adventure I know it will be. Life has a funny way of giving you road blocks and obstacles that without the tools needed you fall flat and are subjected to the woes of life and growing up. I once thought that if my life was paved and unbroken with no bumps my life would be peachy. But without these bumps or bruises or unpaved highways how could anyone appreciate the best times of life. Most nights I speak to the moon and it gives me what I need to know to keep going in the direction that guides me to where I need to be at that moment in time. I would like to reiterate Life is the Sum Of Choices You Make because they mold you into who you are in that moment in your life. What do you ask when you talk to the moon? what do you say? what are your intentions while your sitting there having a full blown adult conversation with a moon orbiting the Earth. Übermensch (Above human, or Superman) is German and I found it looking for new tattoo's and the meaning behind it, it is crazy that Friedrich Nietzsche was up on the concept the theory that we are capable of much more then we do right now. I enjoy the thought reasoning in this, we are capable of much more then what we do. I believe in this concept wholeheartedly. I spoke with the moon about the new tattoo and it is a part of who I am and who I am becoming. When I speak to the moon I ask what is coming? How do I go forward? what is next for me? All these questions are answered when they need to me. I will be moving to another category of my life soon and I am excited to keep it moving in a great direction a new venture. I cannot wait something new it is super fun to know I will be dancing soon.
Okay in closing lately I have felt different in many ways and I am so glad to have my present and future looking in a new direction. When I am looking in a looking glass and or a reflection of myself I see the man I am becoming more and more everyday.
"WE ARE DEFINED EVERYDAY NOT JUST BY THE DOORS WE CLOSE BUT THE DOORS WE LEAVE OPEN."
It is an interesting concept but so many people do it and invest hours in doing that exact thing. I do it so much its bright, gorgeous, quiet, and sometimes answers back to you in unusual ways. One I can't believe its Feb and two it is the day before Valentines Day. Crazy how quickly life happens and changes in a sort f blink of an eye, in less then a week I will be leaving for a new gig and an exciting adventure I know it will be. Life has a funny way of giving you road blocks and obstacles that without the tools needed you fall flat and are subjected to the woes of life and growing up. I once thought that if my life was paved and unbroken with no bumps my life would be peachy. But without these bumps or bruises or unpaved highways how could anyone appreciate the best times of life. Most nights I speak to the moon and it gives me what I need to know to keep going in the direction that guides me to where I need to be at that moment in time. I would like to reiterate Life is the Sum Of Choices You Make because they mold you into who you are in that moment in your life. What do you ask when you talk to the moon? what do you say? what are your intentions while your sitting there having a full blown adult conversation with a moon orbiting the Earth. Übermensch (Above human, or Superman) is German and I found it looking for new tattoo's and the meaning behind it, it is crazy that Friedrich Nietzsche was up on the concept the theory that we are capable of much more then we do right now. I enjoy the thought reasoning in this, we are capable of much more then what we do. I believe in this concept wholeheartedly. I spoke with the moon about the new tattoo and it is a part of who I am and who I am becoming. When I speak to the moon I ask what is coming? How do I go forward? what is next for me? All these questions are answered when they need to me. I will be moving to another category of my life soon and I am excited to keep it moving in a great direction a new venture. I cannot wait something new it is super fun to know I will be dancing soon.
Okay in closing lately I have felt different in many ways and I am so glad to have my present and future looking in a new direction. When I am looking in a looking glass and or a reflection of myself I see the man I am becoming more and more everyday.
"WE ARE DEFINED EVERYDAY NOT JUST BY THE DOORS WE CLOSE BUT THE DOORS WE LEAVE OPEN."
1/05/2011
Decade Of Decisions (01-05-2011)
So to be honest I erased this blog 6 times since Christmas because it was tons i wanted to say but really nothing to say. So I have been waiting to have something to say and I think I have found something to talk about, the title has not changed but the meaning has alot that's why i couldn't post this before New Years. Well here we are and to be completely real I was scared to write this because it has made me sit here and think about every decision I have made in the last 10 years OMG. I have filter, unfiltered, thought and thought more of my life since 2000 and that is why i can't get these words down on paper. So here goes Life is a direct sum of the choices you make, life is what you make it, you only get one chance at life make the best of it, live as if tomorrow isn't coming. Did I follow all these quotes that i so randomly throw around NO HELL NO hence the many drafts of this blog. For some reason no not for some reason because I had to reflect look at the man in the mirror it took so ong to publish this. I wanna say thanks to the entities in my life male, female, animal, alien or whatever for giving me this MOMENT. I do not know where I would be now if i didn't have such amazing experiences and friends and family to be there. I have to say it is Epic to look back on recent events like leaving Jubilee to joining Shockwave for the first time. All these things happen in the last 10 years and they have shaped, molded, installed, programed me to be who I am today. I See You... Looking back lets have no regrets in this new decade in my eyes i have loved, lost, traveled, danced with some awesome people, became friends with some amazing people, and lived an amazing life both up and downs are magic to me.
I am not going negative but i wanna get this out because as i sit here its on my head Does anyone have a scrapbook of Sorrow? I was thinking of that today and sitting in my bed most of the day with a swollen eye i got me I got sad, withdrawn, a lil' depressed because I look at all these picture on my laptop, and facebook and they are all the same I am happy, excited, loved, surrounded by people who love me and that ear to ear smile. And don't get me wrong I love looking at them but I spent most of the day looking at my scrapbook of sorrow and those are the moments that propelled me to i.e leave Detroit, move to Orlando, Do Cruise Ships, move to Saipan, go to Germany, move to Las Vegas, leave Jubilee, and so on a Decade of Decisions is what i went through today. Where would I be if i would have listened to Ms. Rowland and stop dancing, stayed in Detroit, stayed in the Marine Corp, moved to Seattle instead of as Vegas. My life would be so different but i don't live in the what if's i lie in the whats next and I am super thankful for eveyone that has been in my life, no longer in my life, and that is still in my life. Amanda, Shatika, Abby, Jocelyn, Bryan W, Slim, J Boy, Gertrise, Joey, Jesse, Boobie, Erik, Danielle, Clarie, Colette, Cassandra, Junebug, Sara(Roomie), Sarah,Tania, Shelby, Mary C.G, Jonah, Chad,Rodney, LDogg, Aunt Cassandra I can keep this list going but just everyone who reads this is in my life right now for a reason.
Sometimes we make decisions based on fear, insecurities and just rash, All my choices were not good choices but they were mind to make and i can't go back and fix them because it would alter who i am today. I am flawed and i see my flaws daily and i know why things i get upset about happen because they a direct result of choices i have made. I hurt bad this past year has opened my eyes so wide and closed me up so tight I feel like a fortress of sorts. I need to be open to life and everything that comes with it, but I feel like I am the old grumpy neighbor who is always pissed for no damn reason at all. I am not that guy but i feel like i need to be or have to be to be somewhat happy in this world, which would suck. But i look at all my friends my age a lil' older and lil younger but just in these places i don't think i have ever been in. They always say the grass is greener but sometimes your grass is just damn dead.
I am deciding to take this decade to a new level a new being a higher being a Übermensch. Get the clarity I need the clarity i have been too scared to reach for, the extra that I need. I have been blessed so far with this life now it's time to prove i deserve it and more. or pack it in. I have wrote about so many things and in all those I find a lil' more of me and now me is screaming out the cracks in my armor, the holes in the walls, the voice in my head. I wanna thank Amanda, Dee Averhart, Tika, Abby, Colette, Bryan W, Sara, Shelby, Jonah ,Cassandra, Shatika & Jocelyn you guys have always been too honest, and there hell or high water no matter the shit i do. So many people are here in my life for me and i can't thank you all enough
I am a PUZZLE, COMPLICATED, A GEEK, FREE, OPEN, SPACEY, DISTANT, WITHDRAWN, INWARDLY @PEACE, DIFFICULT, DRAMATIC, CRAZY, UNFILTERED, WARM, CONFRONTING, LOVING, CARING, SEMI-PATIENT, SLIGHTLY PREJUDICE, EXTRA-ORDINARY, TALENTED, OK LISTENER (lol) And above all these qualities that makes me. Tim Johnson (Ty Lamar)
I am THE DIRECT SUM OF CHOICES I HAVE MADE....
let 2011 be the Year of Years for you no matter what
-I See You...-
I am not going negative but i wanna get this out because as i sit here its on my head Does anyone have a scrapbook of Sorrow? I was thinking of that today and sitting in my bed most of the day with a swollen eye i got me I got sad, withdrawn, a lil' depressed because I look at all these picture on my laptop, and facebook and they are all the same I am happy, excited, loved, surrounded by people who love me and that ear to ear smile. And don't get me wrong I love looking at them but I spent most of the day looking at my scrapbook of sorrow and those are the moments that propelled me to i.e leave Detroit, move to Orlando, Do Cruise Ships, move to Saipan, go to Germany, move to Las Vegas, leave Jubilee, and so on a Decade of Decisions is what i went through today. Where would I be if i would have listened to Ms. Rowland and stop dancing, stayed in Detroit, stayed in the Marine Corp, moved to Seattle instead of as Vegas. My life would be so different but i don't live in the what if's i lie in the whats next and I am super thankful for eveyone that has been in my life, no longer in my life, and that is still in my life. Amanda, Shatika, Abby, Jocelyn, Bryan W, Slim, J Boy, Gertrise, Joey, Jesse, Boobie, Erik, Danielle, Clarie, Colette, Cassandra, Junebug, Sara(Roomie), Sarah,Tania, Shelby, Mary C.G, Jonah, Chad,Rodney, LDogg, Aunt Cassandra I can keep this list going but just everyone who reads this is in my life right now for a reason.
Sometimes we make decisions based on fear, insecurities and just rash, All my choices were not good choices but they were mind to make and i can't go back and fix them because it would alter who i am today. I am flawed and i see my flaws daily and i know why things i get upset about happen because they a direct result of choices i have made. I hurt bad this past year has opened my eyes so wide and closed me up so tight I feel like a fortress of sorts. I need to be open to life and everything that comes with it, but I feel like I am the old grumpy neighbor who is always pissed for no damn reason at all. I am not that guy but i feel like i need to be or have to be to be somewhat happy in this world, which would suck. But i look at all my friends my age a lil' older and lil younger but just in these places i don't think i have ever been in. They always say the grass is greener but sometimes your grass is just damn dead.
I am deciding to take this decade to a new level a new being a higher being a Übermensch. Get the clarity I need the clarity i have been too scared to reach for, the extra that I need. I have been blessed so far with this life now it's time to prove i deserve it and more. or pack it in. I have wrote about so many things and in all those I find a lil' more of me and now me is screaming out the cracks in my armor, the holes in the walls, the voice in my head. I wanna thank Amanda, Dee Averhart, Tika, Abby, Colette, Bryan W, Sara, Shelby, Jonah ,Cassandra, Shatika & Jocelyn you guys have always been too honest, and there hell or high water no matter the shit i do. So many people are here in my life for me and i can't thank you all enough
I am a PUZZLE, COMPLICATED, A GEEK, FREE, OPEN, SPACEY, DISTANT, WITHDRAWN, INWARDLY @PEACE, DIFFICULT, DRAMATIC, CRAZY, UNFILTERED, WARM, CONFRONTING, LOVING, CARING, SEMI-PATIENT, SLIGHTLY PREJUDICE, EXTRA-ORDINARY, TALENTED, OK LISTENER (lol) And above all these qualities that makes me. Tim Johnson (Ty Lamar)
I am THE DIRECT SUM OF CHOICES I HAVE MADE....
let 2011 be the Year of Years for you no matter what
-I See You...-
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