Standing O (2012-05-29)

Standing O

          OK so I know I rarely do two a month but since the month is almost up and I have things I wanna get off me brain here goes another. I want to start and say this song is my life in a nutshell, not all my life but in a relationship I feel this song just plays at the end credits of my relationships. It is a great song of Mariah Carey’s Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel I will just post some lyrics here and there cause with this song I want the whole song on here.

“Boy, you remind me of a love that seemed so sublime. Your kisses told me oh so many lies; shades on like I be stuntin' through the night, But I decided with the eyes to keep the world from knowin' what's inside. I didn't know I was a show and your words they had no meaning. How didn't I foresee this?  Happiness and congrats, Know that I pretend I mean it”
          WOW I could write novels on just these 4 lines. I mean I have been in this head of mine way too long I was thinking; anything worth having is worth fighting for, things can change she is an amazing person, all my friends don’t see what I see, they don’t the her I love. Wow someone find that lil’ pussy and smack him. I made excuses for every freakin last one she older and kinda bitter, or she just young and wasn’t raised like we were, this one a couple of times “she don’t love like we love not everybody had what I had growing up”. I guess I was blessed and for that I am overjoyed Tee-Boo & Big Dave did your job cheers to you. But when did I lose me and at what point did I look at myself as less then what I am? I say that as in the fact I saw a pattern and didn’t break it I saw a repeat of things in different forms and just fell anyway. Wow I looked in the mirror last night and went where are you? And come back NOW shit is falling apart, I was calling my CHILDHOOD!!! I looked back and I remember a bad ass that cared 2 shits about the world at large the thing I wine and bitch about wasn’t in existence then for me nor did I give. I remember treating to blow up my High school (back when it wasn’t crazy to do that), I was off my shit. I understood relationships don’t work, woman was the better sex when it comes to liars and cheaters (Ya’ll do it better than we Do). I knew that because most of my friends were and still are WOMAN. I hear this song and I wanna punch me, I mean my High School self wanna junk punch who I saw in the mirror last night. I refer to these lyrics for round 2
.
“You played the one that loved you the most so here's your standing O. Gave you my heart and all you did was pound on it (so heres your standing O). Here's your standing ovation. Doctor, I was too patient. Even when you wasn't enough, I'm the one that taught you how to love.
And boy I gave you all of me, parts of affection you couldn't see.
As you embrace her in your arms give her "my all" give her more than you gave to me.
When you had nothing I gave. When you were weak I made you brave.
You went and leave me with the scars on my heart, it's funny how ya'll forget it all.”

                I had the game down, and that was just it I was having fun. When did life get so serious I stopped living it? I don’t know about you but for me it was around 2004 when I moved to Disney and since I have thought each year the same BS “I have grown life is what you make it, Life is the Sum of Choices you Make.” What have I learned in the relationship department because the rest I can figure out and its worked amazingly I have had a great career and great times doing what I love. Why do I keep making the same AWFUL MISTAKES? I should know better Tamika, Kissie, Krishawn, Tasha would smack this boy if they saw me today. I loved those girls and so many more Tequilla, Amber, Candice I was all of you ladies love child own it Women. That is the highest compliment in my life because without you ladies I would not have met such amazing women in my life now that are you girls just my age and I get all of them. I take my hat off to Amanda, Shatika, Jocelyn, Shayla, Nakesha, Cassandra and Colette (Take a freakin’ Bow) because you women and so many more I won’t name are my hope. I thought to my other self all day today I said “Tim all these years you been on your own why have you been dating woman completely opposite of the women you looked up to when we were younger and the woman that are your Pillars’ today?” They don’t make many of those models anymore. And that’s a sad statement because I’m falling off, somebody need to save me for once, or Women talk to your sisters. Give these insecure, heartless, selfish, lying, stupid women a good woman to woman talk, hold these “I think I am good at the game” Girls (cause they aint women) down by the neck and talk some sense into them. Seriously ya’ll need to have conference worldwide and make these girls attend so they can know how to be women. Don’t take it personally none of the girls I have dated this isn’t you specified its going to lots of girls that’s just screwing their life up without even noticing the smart Woman whispering in your hear with help. This last part I will quote because the FINAL round is next.

“Round of applause to the biggest fool in the world give 'em all that you got and they still ride out into the sunset with the next girl. Standing Ovation, Congradulations Damn I was down for it gave you my heart and all you did was pound on it.”

So I will wrap this up I am up to 3 pages on my word document LOL. I SURRENDERED so quickly to the world of girls and gave into the roles I wasn’t familiar with to fit in and belong. And only when I had a conversation with a 16 year old me (great song ref to my girl P!nk) did I realize my pillars now I should listen to more, like I listened to my babysitters and first company dancers back in the day. I wanna commend the women in recent years all SUCESSFULLY SCREWED OVER A GOOD GUY, so here is your standing ovation take this victory and tell you current boyfriends, bed buddies, secret life, gang of friends you know how fun it was cause you gave me all the tools to successfully and finally GROW THE HELL UP wake to life in 2012. Oh and for successfully waking a sleeping dragon, to sound like an old school Saturday morning villain “Tim was a push over only holding me back from my true self I give you TY LAMAR!!! 

This world deserves a better class of Man and I’m sorry I have been gone for so long :) Lets Go, I have summed up this decade of choices and I disagree with how he handled that chuck of our life. So THINGS-R-CHANGING AROUND HERE… Have a great Summer see you all soon!!!

PS I am worth this Galaxy to myself and deserve that in return :)
–I See You…-
<3 Ty 2012

Better in Time (2012-05-19)

Better in Time

          Yes it took 12,000 songs and a whole lot of time and thought but I found a song and a thought process for me right now. Leona Lewis never fails to hit a good nail on the head, off her first album one of her first singles after bleeding love. It is a beautiful song I enjoy and feel the entire song come on you know I goggled the lyrics and was sold on it lol.

She speaks sings about the aftermath of a break up and what everyone tells you but you never hear it in the moment “it will all get better in time”. It is a process we all got through and hate to feel but the line is true it will all get better in time I will sit a aside some lines for lyrics:

if I’m dreaming don’t wanna let you hurt my feelings
but that the path, I believe in and I know that, time will heal it
you didn’t notice, you meant everything quickly I’m learning, to love again
all I know is, imma be ok

thought I couldn’t live without you its gonna hurt when it heals to
it'll all get better in time
even though I really love you I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to
it'll all get better in time

since threes no more you and me its time I let you go so I can be free
and live my life how it should be no matter how hard it is ill be fine without you
yes I will

            It was amazing to read these lyrics and feel them completely. Relationships are hard as hell and sometimes more then not END and the process that comes after either makes you stronger or makes you fall into a whole that is too deep to get out alone. I should know I was there 2 years ago and the things that happen after and the people that were there are lifers I will love them until I stop breathing and watch over them in my divine state. I learned so much about me and about what I want and deserve and should expect from someone when you love each other. But in the back of my head I always had that need to save or that innate ability I got from my mother to be there, love the unlovable, care for the weak, and listen to the lost. And it is a great character trait and my kryptonite, it will get better in time is what I repeat lately. Lately I have felt both calmer and yet so angry and upset and dark. And to hear people who have just met me for the first time feel that  bad vibe or get that dark energy from me has hit a cord that took this long to unwind and get out.

          I love what I do and what I do is perform and smile, dance and live and it is the best career and yet so awful and sad and dark. You make choices and those choices reverberate through the hollow walls of your life and affect everything after.  The past is History that part is known to be true because the past makes you into who you are in this moment in your life but it don’t control you, Unless it does and life’s a constant repeat of past mistakes and past relationships and past negative experiences. When will you get better with time I look to music for those answer I look to the stage but lately the stage has been stressful, and hard and negative and dark. When those were the only place I knew without a shadow of a doubt that they were places of light, warmth and relax. “You didn’t notice you meant everything quickly I’m learning, to love again all I know is, I’m ma be ok” I love this line. I have known in my heart of hearts I am nice, loving, caring, forgiving, passionate, emotional, loud, funny, and talented but recently I felt so much more opposite like I felt years ago just slightly worst because I thought I learned my lesson. Not just from personality stand point but from a professional one, personal, relationship, friends and family. I see in the latter part of my 20’s everyone can’t be saved, everyone can’t be forgiven, every lost soul can’t be found. And most of all in my eyes not to lose yourself in someone and give all without getting at least 70% in return, they don’t have to give 100% maybe they damaged or life happen and they didn’t bounce back right away or maybe bad timing. But there has to be some kind of acknowledgement of your worth or at least the thought that you mean something to them weather it’s a friend who need a txt saying “hey just was thinking of ya hope all is good”, or a girlfriend calling and saying “Babe I just wanted to tell you I love you”. Without those things you start to lose YOU and I mean you start to feel less or used or unappreciated so you don’t wanna dance and the things that was home in your life is now torture. I was onboard a ship for a little over 14 months and learned sooooo much and I mean sooooo much about women, dance, people in general, me, how I am perceived, and what I should expect out of the humans of this planet. I mean the full spectrum friends you hang out with, girls you sleep with, girls you date, how guys act in general, how to deal with adversity, liars, crazies, unstable, insecure men and woman. I haven’t dealt or filtered I let it build until it almost breaks me. I was at Jubilee just long enough to hate coming to work, and the same thing happen about a week ago I just did not want to get up and dance and be around people I just wanted my laptop my music, movies, TV shows and just not happy. I know it’s time for some me time some alone in my head time get the darkness out find my happiness again recharge and look at life in different set of eyes I will  be 27 soon and life has to be a more then what I feel right in this moment. All that has happen in the last 2 years has made me stronger things will get better in time and they already are they feel warmer and a little lighter. I now know I deserve to smile and healing is a part of life and that the process is starting because yesterday is history the past is the past and now is a gift that’s why it’s called the Present. So I will be present in the present so things will get better in time.

Live, Love & Dance

Life is the Sum of Choices you Make 

-I See You…-

Pretty (2012-04-22)

Pretty 

                I loved this song from first drum beat. Nicole Scherzinger I give the credits to her on a live performance and never released single, which probably would have been a hit. I goggled the lyrics and the performance on youtube and was like I dig it. Here is the good part read these lyrics:
Can't believe how you make me feel pretty;
Pretty upset Pretty broke down
I feel so pretty Pretty messed up
Pretty much done
Now without you, super pretty
I will never be pretty messed up.
I don't wanna be pretty no more

Sick Right I thought wow she sounds amazing, then I watched it again and  I was damn I need to find these lyrics. I can’t believe you made me feel so pretty, pretty upset, pretty broke down when and who do you say this do. Have you ever had to think wow I feel stupid but empowered to keep it moving? I can I am not the only one that has played this role in a relationship before. Tell you things on surface to hold you in their grasp, under that are criticism for who you are at your core. It’s more than that it sucks because you hear this voice that at one point was so home in your eyes and felt so comfortable and now it is like a knife in the gut or heart. I need some clarity right now more then ever. Life tends to happen when you least expect it. I am super blessed and happy to be where I am in this world right now.

Sorry I have been thinking on how to finish this for almost a month I started this right after I got off the Emerald then I came to LA to do a skeleton team and now I am in a different mind set and a lot has happen since I started writing this one so I will finish this with next up is an unload so I hope your ready, don’t let anyone make you feel that way…

Live Love & Dance