Better in Time (2012-05-19)

Better in Time

          Yes it took 12,000 songs and a whole lot of time and thought but I found a song and a thought process for me right now. Leona Lewis never fails to hit a good nail on the head, off her first album one of her first singles after bleeding love. It is a beautiful song I enjoy and feel the entire song come on you know I goggled the lyrics and was sold on it lol.

She speaks sings about the aftermath of a break up and what everyone tells you but you never hear it in the moment “it will all get better in time”. It is a process we all got through and hate to feel but the line is true it will all get better in time I will sit a aside some lines for lyrics:

if I’m dreaming don’t wanna let you hurt my feelings
but that the path, I believe in and I know that, time will heal it
you didn’t notice, you meant everything quickly I’m learning, to love again
all I know is, imma be ok

thought I couldn’t live without you its gonna hurt when it heals to
it'll all get better in time
even though I really love you I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to
it'll all get better in time

since threes no more you and me its time I let you go so I can be free
and live my life how it should be no matter how hard it is ill be fine without you
yes I will

            It was amazing to read these lyrics and feel them completely. Relationships are hard as hell and sometimes more then not END and the process that comes after either makes you stronger or makes you fall into a whole that is too deep to get out alone. I should know I was there 2 years ago and the things that happen after and the people that were there are lifers I will love them until I stop breathing and watch over them in my divine state. I learned so much about me and about what I want and deserve and should expect from someone when you love each other. But in the back of my head I always had that need to save or that innate ability I got from my mother to be there, love the unlovable, care for the weak, and listen to the lost. And it is a great character trait and my kryptonite, it will get better in time is what I repeat lately. Lately I have felt both calmer and yet so angry and upset and dark. And to hear people who have just met me for the first time feel that  bad vibe or get that dark energy from me has hit a cord that took this long to unwind and get out.

          I love what I do and what I do is perform and smile, dance and live and it is the best career and yet so awful and sad and dark. You make choices and those choices reverberate through the hollow walls of your life and affect everything after.  The past is History that part is known to be true because the past makes you into who you are in this moment in your life but it don’t control you, Unless it does and life’s a constant repeat of past mistakes and past relationships and past negative experiences. When will you get better with time I look to music for those answer I look to the stage but lately the stage has been stressful, and hard and negative and dark. When those were the only place I knew without a shadow of a doubt that they were places of light, warmth and relax. “You didn’t notice you meant everything quickly I’m learning, to love again all I know is, I’m ma be ok” I love this line. I have known in my heart of hearts I am nice, loving, caring, forgiving, passionate, emotional, loud, funny, and talented but recently I felt so much more opposite like I felt years ago just slightly worst because I thought I learned my lesson. Not just from personality stand point but from a professional one, personal, relationship, friends and family. I see in the latter part of my 20’s everyone can’t be saved, everyone can’t be forgiven, every lost soul can’t be found. And most of all in my eyes not to lose yourself in someone and give all without getting at least 70% in return, they don’t have to give 100% maybe they damaged or life happen and they didn’t bounce back right away or maybe bad timing. But there has to be some kind of acknowledgement of your worth or at least the thought that you mean something to them weather it’s a friend who need a txt saying “hey just was thinking of ya hope all is good”, or a girlfriend calling and saying “Babe I just wanted to tell you I love you”. Without those things you start to lose YOU and I mean you start to feel less or used or unappreciated so you don’t wanna dance and the things that was home in your life is now torture. I was onboard a ship for a little over 14 months and learned sooooo much and I mean sooooo much about women, dance, people in general, me, how I am perceived, and what I should expect out of the humans of this planet. I mean the full spectrum friends you hang out with, girls you sleep with, girls you date, how guys act in general, how to deal with adversity, liars, crazies, unstable, insecure men and woman. I haven’t dealt or filtered I let it build until it almost breaks me. I was at Jubilee just long enough to hate coming to work, and the same thing happen about a week ago I just did not want to get up and dance and be around people I just wanted my laptop my music, movies, TV shows and just not happy. I know it’s time for some me time some alone in my head time get the darkness out find my happiness again recharge and look at life in different set of eyes I will  be 27 soon and life has to be a more then what I feel right in this moment. All that has happen in the last 2 years has made me stronger things will get better in time and they already are they feel warmer and a little lighter. I now know I deserve to smile and healing is a part of life and that the process is starting because yesterday is history the past is the past and now is a gift that’s why it’s called the Present. So I will be present in the present so things will get better in time.

Live, Love & Dance

Life is the Sum of Choices you Make 

-I See You…-