This is It. (10-31-2009)

Wow I get sad just reading the title such a powerful song by the late "KING OF POP". I downloaded the album heard the song googled the lyrics and made me think (Deep breath) you never know when THIS IS IT...................

But for me i take this title, statement, quote as so many different things.

1.) This is it i can't keep letting my past dictate my present or my future who I am right now in this moment is a direct sum of the choices i have made in my life. Now i know i have a habit of talking about my life but if not talk about my life then whose. I feel so conflicted with dumb stuff but its not dumb stuff if its been on my mind and i feel inclined to talk about it or write about because i cant keep my feeling in too long i will explode. my conflict is be this version of me and ride it out until my next enlightenment moment which by the way is never a good enlightenment ever. So the (Set up) I lie alot i mean alot i feel better putting on paper but it is bad i never think why i just do but until about 6 months ago it never mattered to me. And about 6 moths ago a moment happen :Love ( that was from the movie "the Pursuit of Happiness". Love happen and i know it sounds lame and i don't mean with someone i mean i saw love in my eyes and i knew in the back of my head OMG Tim you gone fuck this up. And so we move on with the Blog I knew 1 of 2 things had to happen i had to start this thing off lie free or i had to slide my way around shit. i chose 1.5 which wasn't an option. Listen carefully i don't me just in someone i mean i felt life changes i saw new things and old things.

2.) This is it I will not doubt Tim L Johnson anymore. I grow bored so quick nothing keeps me at attention , so I need excitement i need compassion i need forgiveness i need support i need LOVE. and if you don't agree then we were friends not anymore. Continuing on I felt like in me i knew i needed to grow up and make some hard decisions some changes not altering who i was or who i am now just Growing in a way that was not used to. Funny thing is in growing don't lose all of who you used to be to be who you wanna be, because who you want to be and who your meant to be may not be the same. I read this quote when i got Friday Oct. 30 2009 it reads "DON'T LET SOMEONE BECOME YOUR EVERYTHING BECAUSE WHEN THEY'RE GONE YOU HAVE NOTHING ..

3.)This is it I am going forward with my life no more regrets or second guessing or half living or half stepping i can preach and talk to everyone else but my own self things are changes AGAIN i Love to Hate Change for one reason Everyone Hates change but when its over Loves the outcome.

4.) This is it I am not shutting every out I am Open to suggestions i need my friends and family feedback what are some likes and dislikes what do you think i need to change or improve. Be honest even if you think I have feeling (LOL). I need to know I am not the only person who sees me the world see me daily and no ones stops to say listen friend, co-worker, roomie, girlfriend, guy friend, woman, man.. If you feel like there is something you can teach someone ignorant to it, or guide them in a new way, or improve their way of life say something don't an opportunity to give back. I am a open vessel as of NOW just come up to me, e-mail me, call me, text me i wanna know what you feel and take it all in.....

5.) This is it I have officially hurt myself enough. I stop punishing myself for my sins and my Life I am not perfect as of NOW. I need to find Life out on my terms, I will look up when i walk, i talk and act to the best I know, i will Dictate my life, I will make the best of each day no matter what, I will Live a full life everyday, I will take in the air, I WILL LIVE.

6.) This is it I am Done......... thank you for always reading the babble in my head that I put on the Internet.. Until Next Time

Just Living the Life (10-20-2009)

Wow so it's been a min since i had something to say but now its been a while and i wanna talk about something. Life is good no i take that back life is great, I mean i Moved to one of the most Beautiful places I've ever been Las Vegas. Things are Amazing i have a great job at the longest running Vegas show the Beautiful Jubilee. Its amazing 85 Cast members; Beautiful Showgirls, amazing Singers, Great Bluebells, and Fun Show boys. I think the show has lasted this long due to the cast they hire i love it. Its easy i mean easy for me as a dancer and I'm OK with that because i need this break before i do something else. i Love the city is big but not huge its a concrete jungle and no grass Lil Mountains, Buildings, just gorgeous. I just recently got a house its Beautiful i love it, My friends here are great I'm glad they are here. Don't get me twisted i miss all my friends From Cali, to Arizona, to Huntsville, Orlando, Miami, Tha "D", NYC, and beyond i love them they keep me together. I miss my family as well, but life here is sweet I mean when your younger and make a list of things you wanna do before you die and you complete most of them before you turn 25 what do you do then? I mean this is awesome but also Frustrating because now i have to go in a cocoon to find a happy place. LOL Any who things are like I said fun. Tell me what happens when you get all you want but not what you feel you need right now? I guess you go with the flow until another bump comes along and i love bumps. So it's fun fun fun like i said I'm I'm here things are as you want them and books say that and i believe its true anything you want is just outside your comfort zone. Trust me things have been OK at times God has always walked with me like foot prints in the sand. I mean seriously if you want something go out and get it because if your meant to have it you will if you want it bad enough. So lets go with this for this Chapter in my Life " Smile Life is Wat You Make It".... I guess my bitterness is fading and I think Jaded is now called Blush for Tim... I guess things Look grim before the Sun splits the clouds open and your Dreams are there on the tips of beautiful Mountains...

Human (09-02-2009)

Funny title for me I know but i think this song is amazing its off Brandy's Album "Human" let me just say the song is really good WOW. i will post the lyrics after the blog just you get my thought behind this.....

So I'm closer to where i wanna be and were the grass is greener, he air is cleaner and my sol and heart is calmer. that's a stretch for me i know but i can't complain i mean i could but i won't because life is what you make it and lately i have made some hiccups on my journey and that sucks because what we give we get back on us. So maybe I'm not and angel but i know I'm not a demon either. I do what i must because sometimes it calls for it be it good or bad and you just have to take the reaction from your loved ones. You know to constantly feel a certain way or be in a certain state of mind is not great for you especially if its not good for you. So on another note Human what does it mean to be human not perfect not complete not whole just pieces to a puzzle of existence. I looked up Human or Homo Sapient in the dictionary and it doesn't say we don't lie or make mistakes or fall short or finish the race. So what does it take to go farther be better feel come whole i lover a friend, music, mirrors, dance, laughing, crying etc. who knows maybe its one of these maybe its all of these, all i know it sucks when your less then who you wanna be i read a quote before i thought to right this and it reads "LIVE EVERYDAY LIKE ITS YOUR LAST, BECAUSE ONE OF THESE DAYS IT WILL BE." i love that because you never know the day will come when you on your way HOME so please understand when I am loud or i lie or i get out of control or fall short or need space or talk too much or feeling quiet or all over the place I'M ONLY HUMAN. If its so hard to be apart of my web of intrigue i call my life then by all means you know how to not text or call so don't. Life is way to short to sweat the small shit trust me i can't deal in maybes or i hope, From now on LIFE will be a Breath of fresh Air everyday because i can't afford to Die 2-morrow without living my life to it's fullest because after all I'm only HUMAN.....

HUMAN -BRANDY

I've said sorry over a thousand times

Is there anything to say to you to help you dry your eyes?

I would make it all better if I could, I'll help you realize

I cry when you cry, I hurt when you hurt

I make mistakes but I can't turn back time

(I'm only human)

Forgive me

(I'm only human)

Love me

(I'm only human)

Save me, save me from myself

(I'm no super woman)

Embrace me

(I'm fragile and broken)

You're just like me (oh)

I'm perfectly human

I might just tell a lie

I'm perfectly human

But I'm an angel in disguise

I'm staring in the mirror and a stranger's looking back

What are you afraid of, girl? The future or the past?

If you wanna see inside of me all you have to do is ask

I cry when you cry, I hurt when you hurt

I've made mistakes but I can't turn back time

Maybe what tears us apart is what brings us back together

And everything that makes us different really brings us closer

Could you hold me (for a little while)?

Could you love me (without a doubt)?

I need you, I need you

(I'm only human)

Forgive me

(I'm only human)

Love me

(I'm only human)

Save me, save me from myself

(I'm no super woman)

Embrace me

(I'm fragile and broken)

You're just like me (oh)

I'm perfectly human

I might just tell a lie

I'm perfectly human

But I'm an angel in disguise

We're only human (perfectly human, oh)

We might just have a life

I'm perfectly human (oh, oh)

But I'm an angel in disguise

Energy & Dreaming (06-14-2009)

Energy & Dreaming

So I thought about this title for a while because it's one of my favorite songs now by Keri Hilson. Hot track!!! & A old School song by Vanessa Williams HOTT.

Energy it effects all that we do and all that we are if our energy is low we suck at life that day, unproductive and lazy. But if the energy is High shit gets done you breeze through a long day quickly and its a little more enjoyable. Dreaming can be fun and exciting to dream your on cloud 9 soaring through the sky, or maybe not so fun in a nightmare or sorts. I feel as if this is all on you your choice on weather your energy is low or high or if your dream is good or bad. I know i beat this concept to death but life is a Sum of choices you make. My energy is as a direct result of what i did the night before or the morning of. Me Dreaming has to do with what I am holding on to in my life or in my mind and not letting it out on paper or telling that person or people whats on my mind or heart.

So basically i feel lie i hold to much in and i have nightmares about the choices i have to make because i part of me loves conflict but majority of me don't need it in my life. And in holding all this shit in i have such low Energy when it comes to basic things. It upsets me because so many things need to be said but no is willing to listen that's why i must take this "Life" that is mine and mine alone and be truthful with myself before i can be honest with anyone else. My Energy has been amazing lately and yet it hasn't been stress drains you and makes you lazy and too tired to do the simplest things. If i woke up out of my sleep with something on my mind i never voiced it because what if i piss off a friend or family? I JUST DON'T FUCKING CARE yeah i said it i think the last 23 years i have done what i was told i have lived for most everyone else but me and i have been upset I don't wanna do this or do that or go here or there or be nice some days. They say you never know what type of day someone had so always be nice, but does the same occur for my bad days NO Tim is expected to be on 24/7 no matter what and that is draining my ENERGY and I'm not DREAMING the dreams i should be dreaming. SO i declare that this SHIT stops now. My Energy and Life needs to keep in a upward motion and when i get pulled down or pissed and my energy is slowly gone I need to replenish it from who? FRIENDS: ONLY CALL WHEN SOMETHINGS WRONG FAMILY: HA WE KNOW HOW FAMILY IS. true friends are always there no matter what and real family cares when its hard to care.

My ENERGY is getting there slowly daily, me DREAMING is coming along well i have my moments but i need to say ENOUGH!!!! when i change my number or relocate please if i don't contact you take the hint.. OK now that's out the way i wish everyone i great rest of the year and know that if someone or  something is zapping your energy and causing you not to dream big "simply walk up behind them and stab the back" not I kidding "Run them over at 60 mph" no " Push them down i Flight of steps" or

" SMILE AND WALK AWAY FOREVER"

Roll The Credits (05-12-2009)

Hahahahaha i thought long and hard on this title, one because its a cool new song, and two i like the premise... ( I will Explain)

OK well first Life is going GREAT, I am in a place were things don't get under my skin as much anymore. Life is too short to be upset with small shit i got to the point in my Lil 23 years were i want no BS and no things in my way to piss my world off. I <3 the things that work or don't work because you gotta take the good with the bad. Um the "roll the credits" theme is awesome i feel because if something is not working in your favor then ROLL THE CREDITS finish the movie with that situation or person or event and keep going. I ROLL THE CREDITS nightly sometimes i just need to start a fresh and not let it go to bed with me angry. For me lately i need some solitude some Tim time but i can't seem to find it anywhere and i need to just make it happen. the people i hang with the things i do all of that needs to be because i wanna do it not because i feel i have too. I'm not going to have people stay with me i really don't vibe with just because I'm going to ROLL THE CREDITS and tell them keep it moving and it was nice knowing them but i can't live for someone else Happiness when i am not happy. If someone @ work is being a Lil bitch about something as stupid as swing positions SMILE and ROLL THE CREDITS and as they cont talking you just look at them seeing that you produced most of this because you let it go this far. With every aspect of my life i need to not Produce so much of the negative circumstances and just MOVE ON. Vegas is an interesting place i love to hate it hate i love it so much. And i feel so much of my time here i have to explain why i can't go here or there with people and that i am not 15 people if i don't wanna go nowhere why is that a problem i need some time to myself or with people i wanna hang with at that moment. I don't wanna come off rude but my life is going to keep going if your in it or not so please let's stop thinking just because i have known you a long time were friends or just because i don't hang out with you for a couple weeks i hate you or being fake, JOCELYN, SHANAYL, BRYAN, BRIAN. JASON, ABBY know that months can go by without talking to each other and when we do talk it's like no time has passed that's the life i have and either you with it or ROLL THE CREDITS....

I can't stress enough LIFE is the direct sum of choices you make. i think i have made quite a few bad ones but i make up for them daily and there is some out there that i still did to close and finish the title so i can ROLL THE CREDITS, but trust me a part of me is trying to hold it in because i can't say things when i am angry because they will come out worse then i want them to. So for know know that if i like u i like u and if not i don't rule your world don't lose sleep if we don't talk because i sure as hell ain't. I love that i love my life and the path i have and been on has been so blessed and i thank all of you both good and bad influences because i have to learn from my mistakes and as well has cherish my accomplishments on all levels work, home, love, fitness so for most this as been a great movie and i want to hold the credits till the end and hopefully that's so far down the line but for the rest i will fast forward to the end so quickly and

ROLL THE CREDITS