Cried Me A River (2012-02-05)

Cried Me a River

It is a great song by Kristinia DeBarge it is poppy and kind of sad but it has some great lyrics. I love the song and as I sit here writing this it is holding more and truer and it sucks but feels liberating at the same time cause have sat and played Defense for so long in the world I live in trying to prove myself to people who don’t really care about me at all. I am DONE and I have said that in the past but now I know that I am I have gotten the shit end of relationships way too long. I never played hard ball or was mean, malicious, or just plain heartless, in saying that though I think the time is now to be more honest about the emotions I have and when someone hurts me. The song is done really well in the sense of the matter the structure of it. Here are some of the lyrics

- “I still remember the day that we met I hung onto every word you said you asked me to surrender and that's what I did and you broke my heart again and again.
So now you are sorry like you are in love, but where was your sorry when you broke it all up?
I told myself never again, there ain't no way I'm lettin' you in Because I keep rememberin' when you played me.”-

I cried me a river, I cried me a sea I cried me an ocean, I cried me a stream I'm fresh out of teardrops, you got me on E I'm out of emotion, got nothin' in me.

                Love those lyrics so much they are so real and so right to it, this is what happen this is what you did to me and this is how things are going to go from here on out. I never have it in me to be that way at all, in saying that recent events have turned my head into that general direction to that place of done. It’s not that I’m bitter it’s just that I’m done my heart finally said enough is enough. I am at that point in my personal relationships with friends, family, and lovers. I am so tired of giving it is starting to wear on me like a full leather jacket in Las Vegas during June. I am nice and I know that is not always the case but for the majority of my life I can say I have been good at being good. I was talking to a friend about karma tonight and they made a good point its only karma if you did someone wrong so this is your karma. And that is so true I don’t feel l have wronged anyone I just feel like I get the shit end of all relationships. It makes me kind of sad because I think most of my close friends’ rock out, and then there are the others that drain all of me. I mean that last statement for family, friends, and who I date. The sad part is each one is getting more tiring so I probably should stop the train. I don’t know where I am right now I feel a loss for words now and a lost for what to do next and that’s where I am now. I am all cried out I am exhausted, hurt, done being done. I feel the things in my life I can control is what I mess up the most. I know what I want and what I deserve I can never just put them together. They say anything worth having is worth fighting for but I have fought enough it is somebody or anybodies turn in this moment to fight for me. I can live in this world alone because I know I am never alone I have so many people in my life who love and care for me and I am pretty awesome. Those are the things I hold on too as I grow in any direction the connections we make with one another. I would love for once someone to show me they care and that I mean more to them then the person next to me. You know to feel unappreciated is an awful feeling and one that I feel quite a lot so I try to look at the glass half full most often in my life because what would be the point to reminisce on things that aren’t anymore the past is just that the past. I wrote in a previous entry titled Lesson Learned great song by Alicia Keys feat John Mayer in it they sing

 “Life perfect Ain't perfect If you don't know what the struggle's for Falling down ain't falling down If you don't cry when you hit the floor It's called the past cause I'm getting past And I ain't nothing like I was before You ought to see me now.”

            So True I love that and the whole song is that good. But it is all good I now know what I deserve and what I want and life is going to continue to be my ouster. I won’t let this incident or any others whether they be in the past, present, or future shake me any longer Life is the Sum of Choices you Make and I have to own mine and live with them and the rewards & consequences that come with them. My body isn’t built to mad, angry, spiteful, or resentful, but I know better than anyone how quickly the weather can change.

          In closing I am completely cried out, and like the saying goes “No man or woman is worth your tears, but the one who is will never make you cry sad tears.” I believe it more and more and I have to believe in me more and more I know who I am and what I bring to this big planet. I hope that in reading this it gives you all you some of what you need to be better then you were before.

Dance like no one is watching & Love like tomorrow won’t arrive!!!

New Years Blues-Mistakes (2011-12-31)

New Years Blues “Mistakes”

          I think I have New Years Blues because I feel at the end of every year I reflect on the year passing and the things I have been through. I think the title comes from the fact that in recent months I have had some awful dreams and it makes me think I have made some mistakes and in my head and heart I feel as if I need to own these mistakes embrace the wrong, the pain take it in stride and also see the good and the joy I have got from these “Trade Mistakes” or “Beautiful Mistakes.”

          I got a couple of songs that came to mind in this moment “Trade Mistakes” by a favorite band of mine Panic at the Disco. It is singing about trading mistakes with the person in your life, I love that concept what if you could trade mistakes with them maybe they could understand why you feel the way you feel. See things differently if even for a moment. I would like to think its not a mistakes just a new opportunity to learn another life experience. He sings “I may never sleep tonight as long as your still burning bright I’ll stay awake till I trade my mistakes or they fade away.” I love that how different would relationships and friendships be if you could just go here babe here are my mistakes now do you see where I am coming from. Who knows maybe not but I love the thought and it just been on my mind because I wish I could get people to understand why I am the way I am. But I can’t so in some situations it is just a matter of taking the good from that moment and learn from the bad.

          The second comes from an amazing song from Keri Hilson. I dig it may quote the whole first couple lines.

“I follow my heart but every time I do It gets me lost and left in the dark But I think it's clear this time I guess we're just not compatible, no You pick me up, you let me down You give me nothing to fall on,.”

 I love the song it is another line I will quote before I get my thoughts out. It goes

“Damn, I wish that Cupid's arrow never hit, never went through me, through me I wish we never crossed the line I wish I never gave you this body. That isn’t 'bout no other Better friends then lovers Lets just call this what it is. Damn never thought I would say We were a beautiful mistake and it is what it is Can't say it no other way We were a beautiful mistake and it is what it i.”

I was thrown cause it was like really good to hear, you think that in your life experience and in your relations with people that you would have gained some wisdom or some kind of insight and you don’t you learn something new every day and every person you meet. Or you learn from or teach something and that’s what I love about life. It has been a hell of a year and that is a good thing I take that back a great thing so much has happen and I love all that has happen it has been a blessing and I as I write this in the early hours of 2012 I smile because life could be so different and life has been so different and I miss so many people and I think they know who they are. I just need to say some mistakes are beautiful because in 3 months or 6 months that mistake or miss judgment can surprise you hell in 3 days the change can be all you need to stick it out and make it work or call it quits. Nothing is perfect but if you find your right kind of crazy it is worth it and I truly belief it cause I have had my fair share of crazy. And trust me at this age I think now know I will not deal with it, it’s not worth the stress or heartache. So back to my train of thought I belief in mistakes I don’t belief in regrets mistakes are doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same results. I love where I am and I could not ask for better growth and meaning in my life whatever happens I am content with knowing hey I tried I did all I could. The only difference is A beautiful mistake is major they matter more they have more of an impact so you feel more if that mistake takes hold of you molds you, consumes you. I am who I am all the time and it took some years some growth some hard times and some bull shit but I did it and I love who is in the mirror cause I blamed everyone till I took one of my idols message and STARTED WITH THE MAN IN THE MIRROR and I needed to change before the world could (in my eyes at least). I am me now 24/7 and it is such a more peaceful and loving life with meaning and that’s all I could ask for with the New Year.

          So hears to 2012 may life bring you beautiful mistakes so you can have the strength and wisdom to learn, grow, and live through them…

Live, Love, and Dance

“Life is the Sum of Choices You Make”

<3 Ty 2012

Solitude (2011-12-02)

~Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong.

- Winston Churchill

                Solitude is directly defined as loneliness. Superman has his Fortress of Solitude in the Artic it is his alone time to think about the ways of the world how cool. Some people cant grow alone they need the constant approval and adoration of friends and family or that special someone. I dig it I understand it I applaud it I envy it, because who doesn’t want someone on their side someone dedicated to their cause down for them all the way. And don’t get me wrong those people do help you grow but when does growth become programmed memory or their agenda, you cease to live you life at that point and turn into their version of you to make them happy “When did I become a puppet in my own life?” that’s when shit gets real or it stays the same for quite a while. What do you do when you feel like solitude is all you have, is it hard to open up to someone new or something new? Maybe its something familiar that has changed slightly. I feel like I need solitary confinement but instead opted for the party bus LOL. You know it is okay when you make a decision without anyone else’s input or the input you got is all you needed to move forward with a unusual plan that no one understands but, it seems okay to you. It may end in fire and brimstone but for now its flowers and candy hahaha sorry I had a flashback. Back on track is solitude good? I don’t know about you guys but I wanted to check myself into a home early last year cause I thought I was losing it and I thought wait free room and board free pills and free food I am in (I’m serious).Then they said if you check yourself in your cant check yourself out after 30 days a family member needed to. So that idea quickly went to hell in a hand basket. But is solitary really good? I believe it is not all the time but in those moments in life when your friends or family may not be the best help or the situation your in is too unique to try and explain. Close the doors put the phone on silent and just play some music that’s my ritual or hell go on a cruise ship and don’t check your email or face book but every 10 or so days both are awesome. Or for that matter combine them go on a cruise ship close your door and play some music and not answer your phone or emails or anything but when you want to. I feel like superman had his fortress of solitude because he was different then the rest Batman had his bat cave but he also had a butler and housed tons of lil minions I.e. robin, batgirl, nightwing. Any who I think every person needs that place that no one else can move or invade whenever they wanted I have those places and no one can move those places or move in on that territory and that’s what I love about my fortress of solitude its built Ford tough. So basically I just wanted to write about solitary and to finish my thought process just say Solitude is needed in doses but if alone too long you let life pass you by. So trust me enjoy your me time but also enjoy those times with friends because life is about the connections you make in this life…

Farewell (2011-11-20)

Farewell

          Interesting title I love it though it is a very awesome song it is one of Rihanna’s new songs off her album Talk the Talk. It is pretty great in the way that she is in love with him and yet she doesn’t want him to stop doing him to be with her and she says “I Hope that you find it on the first try”. It is amazing in my world because not many people both men and woman can make that kind of sacrifice for someone else’s happiness I wanna know who wrote it because she says “I don’t wanna be the reason you stay”. I would love to know who wrote this because the lyrics are so mature and real. It is awesome because life gives you those moments to hold on to something good or amazing because it makes you comfortable or it keeps you safe. I believe the old quote is soo right if you love something let it go. Personally I love this song because at least twice in my life I have had to make that hard decision to not wanna hold no one back or be held back so you leave and does a part of you wish they would stop you? For me I  did wish they would have spoke up but that never happens the way you see in movies hahahha. I think I love this song because it speaks to me in a way I haven’t heard in a while she is genuinely happy to see him live his dream and yet so sad she let him go. I talk about regrets a lot and life being the sum total of choices you make because I always try to see the light at the end or the silver lining. Lifes too short to have the guilty or regret in you of what if? why didn’t I? If only I. Farewell is a hard pill to swallow when its not what you want or what you think you need everyone needs to let go of the things that bind us to this world family, friends, lovers, and well things because life is fleeting and tomorrow is not promised and today is a gift that’s why its called the present. Farewell is not forever sometimes its till next time or I guess I’ll see you next lifetime.

          Farewell is a hard concept to hold on too. Some people cant let go no matter the pain or the circumstance or the length of time. You have to say farewell at some point people die, friends leave, grow apart whatever the case farewell goes hand and hand with change. And change is what we all need to grow as people and individually inside us. Life is a balance or give and take, love and lost, up and down, the thing that defines our life or makes life worth living is the wisdom to know when something is worth having, when to trust, how to love again and the growth to accept the change in our life and take it all in because it could be gone in a instant. To say that its easy to move past a hard farewell is a lie it is difficult but the real difficulty is in accepting something new in your life and the strength to let go of what’s not right in front of you because when that’s leaves I guarantee what you held so tightly too will soon leave and loneliness is a hard life to live. Goodbye may be hard no one signs up to get hurt they don’t plan on having to make hard decisions but giving the alternative of being completely alone isolated and sad because you couldn’t deal with a farewell or took it too hard or could let go of the past to move forward goodbye seems so much more easy and relevant.

         

          So I will leave ya with this Farewell is Amazing once you can appreciate the importance it has on your over all growth.  

Live, Love and Dance and not matter what happens in your life, Life is the Sum of Choices you Make…. :D 

No Way Please "Take Care" (2011-11-18)

No Way Please “Take Care!!!!”

          This thing is amazing it is a song by Toni Braxton and the first versus I wanna quote. “Will you please let down your wall so I can finally come on in. See I’m not like all the other girls that you have been messing with. See I wanna give you everything will you please accept my heart I won’t let anything tear this love apart.” it is a beautiful versus she is open as hell she basically says let down your guard and try to trust again I think everyone should hear the song it is pretty great. The chorus is nice too I will quote it for ya as well LOL. “No Way No How not me not now I’m gonna prove my love is true breaking your heart is something I wont do.” I think that is awesome it is so good to hear I love the concept the rawness of those lyrics. It is so great to feel this song to look at someone and say hey listen I’m not him or her so don’t let me pay for their mistakes. I love that in this song it is great because she goes on to say “please let down your wall cause it’s way to high to climb.” some things are worth that up hill battle walk, that chance, the fear of something new. Scary is good if it is GOOD. I mean I was looking at past relationships and I thought why did I fight and argue with some of these people then fall for them then wanna shot myself in the neck later in life. Its because its what I knew, attracted toward me and loved. Wow it is kinda funny when I write it down because that is dumb. You are suppose to at least like her before you wanna date her. Anywho this is not about that. I would like to think and believe everything happens for a reason and that is oh too true. LIFE IS THE SUM OF CHOICES YOU MAKE and I cant stress that enough because it holds so true. What if I? How many stories can we start like that I would hope not a lot but in some cases people start that way and it is sad. I love the life I live and the things I have been blessed with is amazing and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. People worry about way too much in life, it is time consuming and unproductive and not worth the pain it causes you and others around you. You learn from life experiences and you cant learn every lesson in your life time you have to listen to friends, mentors, parents, strangers hear their stories heed  the warnings. It has to be hard letting people in after something bad has happen, we all get it in the mist of life things happen and you think you cant recover but you hear something and it makes you reassure yourself of life and your decisions.

          The second part is the new track by Drake feat. Rhianna I love the track it is what I am feeling right now in my life and it is amazing to feel that way. I mean it is so great to be around someone that cares and appreciates all of you without all the BS or judgment in the beginning who knows what the future holds and that’s okay because tomorrow isn’t promised and that I know for sure. The song is sick I mean just goggle the lyrics, you all know I love lyrics so you will love these. They say “ If you let me I’ll take care of you” it is enough  for me but so much of the song is so true in relationships and situations and I  love that about music it can change all that you think your mind set and that is cool and Rihanna says “ I know that you have been hurt by someone else, I can tell by the way you carry yourself. If you let me I will take care of you.” I love that it can be so amazing and so scary at the same time I mean I have heard it all so to be content and happy and genuinely happy is so rare for and I wont say rare I will say not existent. It is different because so many things in these songs stick out and make me think about where I am, where I have been and where I might be, and my question is does the good out weigh the bad does the thought of something great out weigh the collision of 2 asteroids. Towards the end of the song Drake says this “you don’t say you love me to your friends when they ask you even though we both know that you do”. and in those lyrics I freak out because ami just the substitute or the starting line up. Or am I the replacement til the starting line is better? All valid in my head but am I thinking too much is life soo different that I cant make my decisions or am I making my decisions and I am okay with it no matter the outcome., Am I that guy or the other guy, or the good guy or the lonely guy? On any of these titles I am okay with because it has been an amazing journey and the destination is worth the journey where ever that leads.  I will end the this with I will take care to know that no way will I compromised the things I have learned for love nor will I take care of someone or something that I don’t 100 percent believe. On both notes I am happy and I wish that you all can be so gun hoe as to not care the circumstance and just love and hope to be loved in return. Or to take care of that which is yours no matter the situation be in her or his corner and say hey listen I get it your not alone and I am not leaving till you tell me its over, whatever over is. Because you cant finish something until you start something.

           Live, Love and Dance and not matter what happens in your life, Life is the Sum of Choices you Make….

          Hope to hear from you all soon  :)

Stereo Hearts (2011-10-25)

Stereo Hearts

    Great song new to my ears since I have been back in America and I absolutely love it. I dig the lyrics the metaphors the meaning to me the beat the hook well hell I dig the track and that’s all needs to be said. If anyone knows me they know I love and live through and for music its one lyric that I love its is awesome “I apologize for any skipping tracks the last girl that had me left a couple cracks”. I personally love that he is so honest and upfront hey listen I may be a little damaged. I think it is really a great song with a lot of meaning for it for me cause m heart is a stereo I can recall every song at every moment in my life. Loss my virginity , first dance performance (4 at my elementary school) I wore overalls, graduation, break ups, first flight, first check, first heart break, my mom (Momma Boyz II Men) of course, my first house on my own. I will stop there but I think you get it and this song is a love ballad just saying hey listen hey I think you will like my track and it may only beat for you. How would a girl respond if you said that to her or if it was reverse I think it is super cool. He goes at the beginning “Hear my thoughts in every note, make me your radio, and turn me up when you feel low.” I hate to compare but even in Beyoncé song Radio she actually singing about being in love with music like having a wide scale love affair and I dig it sooo much. The songs are different in meaning in some ways but damn I am a sucker for a good old sad song and Stereo Hearts is that for me right now.
    You know I just had one of the best contracts in my life drama free (somewhat) and just an amazing team “You know why”. I t was fun and exciting and just what I needed but I also loved meeting so many new people it was just a great time away far far away. Then Reality hits you OMG what’s next am I unemployed, no car, what the hell am I going to do. I did nothing I played some music around my birthday reflected a bit and life hit me and I didn’t dodge it. I smiled and I am still smiling it has been a great month I thoroughly enjoyed my last cruise, cool new team, missed all my new friends I made, came home and reconnected I mean I didn’t go out and get smashed in Vegas (well not at a night club) but it has been so enjoyable to be happy and not have to excuse myself or lie about it I am happy I was dancing again my liver is still in tack. My Vegas family is even more amazing. It is amazing 7 or 8 blogs’ ago I typed I want to be forgotten and you know it feels damn good to know my real friends remembered me cause I missed them I love you all for all the 1-1 conversations, drinks, shopping, drinks, laughs, drinks, patio with 5 bottles wine. You all are my rocks stars and I miss you already cause I am leaving soon in like days to go back to dancing but I will still be in America you know someone said do you and if they care they will understand. My Stereo is always on and I cant wait to see what happens next. I say this with a smile and confidence I haven’t felt never. “You only live once so get out there and live not for your mom, dad, best friend, boy friend, or girl friend, live for you leave the state, take a vacation, go hard or go home, love, cry, swim in the ocean, sit on the mountain, raise a family, plan the wedding, ask the tough questions, take a leap.” you know the old quote shoot for the moon and if you miss you will land among stars… I am about to leap and I cant wait to chill on the dark side of the moon or Float around with some supernovas either way my life is my choice and I have been taking back for the last 7 months and it feels awesome and it can only get better. Worse case scenario I have learned so much and I am not even 30. Dirty 30 I am coming with a cocktail and board shorts!!!!
Live, Love, Dance,
-I See You…-

A Mountain (2011-10-04)

~I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand.~
    I thought I would start this one off with this quote I saw last night. I believe everyone has a purpose a meaning behind the great design the infinite power, The Universe that guides us. What that is it takes people years to find or they go through their whole life wondering and never find their purpose in life. It is kind of sad and scary when you search and search for your role in the world you never seem to find it. Which in result you always feel lost with no road to go down or no path to take. You that song airplanes I like it’s cool because I know plenty of times I sit on patio or on an open deck and wish on stars and when I see planes I wonder where are they headed I want to go. It is why I do what I do , that feeling of not knowing buying that 1-way ticket to wherever and making it work, or writing that note, sending that e-mail, showing up to that audition. Life can be a mountain of great things or a flash of awful moments small as the grain of sand. The trick is to show up the job you always wanted is right there just show up, the girl of your dreams could be right around the corner just step up to the plate. Rejection is a part of life I figure the worse case scenario is your back to the patio enjoying a glass of wine listening to some music in thought. There is no harm in trying and if you don’t get the result you want dust yourself off and try again. I was talking with my god daughter and she named off 4 things she wanted to do with her life and I told her do them all strive to be all those things why not put them in order and do it. All I wanted to do since I was 12 was Dance around the world and meet people from everywhere and I have. Before that I wanted to be a vet or go to Mars( I still may do this 1), and now I really enjoy writing and its fun so I am doing both I write when I feel like and then I hit the stage so its good. Your purpose has to be your own you cant live for other people because you will always regret what could have been. When I say it in every blog its because it is a reminder for and well it holds so true, ‘LIFE IS THE SUM OF CHOICES YOU MAKE’. I believe we make our own destiny and destiny is the bridge you build to the ones you love. My mountain is slowly forming and I like the formation it is a little beat, bruised, hurt, but stronger and can take it, it is majestic, and colorful, lush and exotic the power inside cant be moved as quickly as it could before it grew to stand it. I am in love with my mountain it holds secrets that only the right people can unlock. As this old lady told me I am an unclaimed treasure, my purpose has always been clear I just have to believe my mountain will stand the tests of time and go back to being a hill or hump and now I know it can it is like a phoenix rising from its own ashes growing stronger, wiser, and built to last. What your purpose? Are you still looking? Is it too far out your reach? Then built a bridge, climb the ladder, take the flight, write the e-mail and guess what whatever the outcome you come out on top because at least you know you tried and what’s the harm in trying if the alternative is to live in doubt about what life could be like. Grab life by the horns and ride the rollercoaster in the front row so you can see it up close and personal and not in the back seeing flashes of happiness see it first hand and enjoy it. At the end of the day you only live once and what’s the point of living if you not happy…
I will end this post with this quote take from this what you will.

~God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.~

Incomplete Happy Ending (2011-09-24)

Incomplete Happy Ending

    I enjoy writing what is in my head it soothes the woe’s in my world it calms my storm, but a part me of hopes you get it and get something from it. What is my happy ending a family of course which my shock some and some will totally get this, I want a wife who loves every part of me and we get each other in everyway. A daughter who is stunning and talented and knows that she is loved. Which sounds absolutely amazing but life for me could also be completely fulfilled watching my god daughter and god sons get older and become adults attend my friends weddings and showers and anniversary parties and be content being a traveling dancer or choreographer or teacher or public speaker. Both are equally amazing in my eyes and would die a happy pappy if either was my life. But its incomplete my happy ending that is. I was reading lately I know don’t kill me it is very rare only in times of deep thought anyhow I read this amazing quote by T.S. Elliott it reads “I will show you fear in a hand full of dust.” It means we are not actually afraid of dying we fear that no one will notice our absents, that we will disappear without a trace. That is a scary and profound couple of lines, I know I am not scared of dying I have embraced death since I was a teen but the thought of being forgotten, no one at my funeral, no one missing me is kind of sad. I thought a lot about the quote and the future and it resurfaced my senior class motto “Life is a journey not a destination”(Thanks Dee Av). Which is so true I feel the world is missing so many precious moments because they are trying so hard to get to the destination with the journey. Life is meaningless if there is no struggle, pain, joy, happiness, bumps, bruises, hugs, kisses. I think I personally block my happy ending, who knows the reason fear probably what happens when I get all I ever wanted? Do I deserve it, is it real? Am I happy? Those questions go through my head. Its funny right before ever show I stretch listening to music super loud in my ears and while I am in my zone I thank the universe for my gifts and my family and friends and thank it for all that it is because I wouldn’t be without it. Its simple to me being happy it comes natural, then why I am so scared of these Happy Endings and why are they incomplete? Am I frightened at the thought of being alone or no one missing me when I am gone? I am terrified of waking up next to same person until I am gone or them leaving me? I am ultimately worried about things that haven’t happen and if they did then it was a life lesson and I try to take the best from it. In my own head I think who is going to sit around pausing their life while I travel and dance and travel some more. No one will that’s why I am not expecting it to just fall on my lap. I understand the sacrifices I make daily to do what I do and the walls I put up to keep everyone at arms distance so I don’t get hurt. I know I miss so much thinking that way but as some quote said “its better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all”. And trust me I have loved however now so many of my friendships and relationships are convenient, shallow, uninteresting, lifeless because who cares anymore. I mean who genuinely cares very few people and they know who they are I love them and I try and tell them as much as I can because with those few people life becomes harder. The incomplete happy ending is father away from me with out some ground work some stability friends who care, family that matters, career worth enjoying. Those things push me to be better do better, and the journey isn’t over. I was watching one of the movies I tend to watch way too much and it says “Destiny is the Bridge you build to the ones you love”. I take that with me along with “Life is the Sum of Choices you Make”. you know when your mom says wait till you get older and life will begin to fly by and well once again you were right mom. I am in my late 20’s now and it is crazy how fast things have happened and how much has happen in that time. We are only on Earth for a brief moment in time and what we do with that time defines us. So my happy ending may be incomplete but I am always optimistic and hopeful.

Unknown (2011-09-12)

The UNKNOWN it is so well unknown and that is the intrigue the lure the attraction that is so cool to me right now in my life. I just got another year older which means so much has happen in 365 days it isn’t even funny jobs, friends, change life in motion and not stopping along the way just brief pauses. In less then a month I will be unemployed and have so many things to think about dance, life, love, and well life again. It’s not the woes of school, or  bad kids, or upset wife or girlfriend, awful job, long hours which be reason to freak or not. I am wondered I my make a bad decision it wouldn’t be the first time but that’s why I am so up in the air. Those so called missteps made me who I am now and I wouldn’t change that even if I could because I would be a different version of me an Alternate Universe Ty (Fringe reference). UNKNOWN is my comfort zone well it used to be now I freak out about rent, bills, money, life, girls, people, weather, clothes. I remember I simpler me unmoved by the world just went with it the Earth turned and I lived in my world which turned flipped, danced, laughed, cried all things that are so forced now why? I freak out about what I cant control I cant control peoples feelings, circumstance it is how I react to these situations that define me(not) because I don’t need a definition but just a reason for being. I am falling in love with the unknown again it is a great feeling I recommend it anyone who needs to jump head first. My amazing mom would tell me and my bro this quote as we were growing up so we wouldn’t  let women break our hearts. “Ed Tim jump in feet first so about time you get knee deep you will find out how full of shit she really is, because when you jump in head first its to close to your heart.”  Take that leap to the unknown it is scary as hell but worth the pee n your pants LOL. I think I may buy a one way ticket to anywhere and play it by ear or propose to the woman of my dreams, I may live for a bit, dance because it fun. Who knows that’s why they call it the UNKNOWN. I know better then most its hard to say bye I think it gets easier each time but it’s a façade I miss them soo much all of you weather it has been 7 months or 7 years I miss you. If I go off grind accept it, if I get engaged deal with it, if I move to Europe dammit get skype. But embrace the life’s you have they are amazing moms, college grad, beautiful showgirls, awesome dancer, hot wifes, strong, amazing men cheers to you all for living your life’s I love you all. I want to take those leaps those moments of UNKNOWN that changes the way I look at this world that looked so different years ago. Look at it better then I did before and different then I do now, well at the end I start at the beginning the UNKNOWN is intriguing, alluring, scary, and fun if you let HELL if I let it…
-I See You…-

Runaway (2011-08-23)

~Runaway~

    Great little title for the thought process I am in right now. I Dig the meaning the title and the essence of it to me. First it is the title of Janet Jackson hit as well as P!nk’s hit song both of which are on my mind in this moment in my life. I was listening to the song and I realized that I don’t wanna runaway I just need to escape my outer head for a bit. I am loving the space I am in right now it is a much different space then a year ago or even 6 month ago or hell even since I started this contract. So what does Runaway mean to me the actual meaning is the songs in themselves I love it I just wanna go somewhere calm and cool, nice and relaxing I just feel as if it all that I am. I Love the Janet Jackson song its about just going somewhere new and seeing it for what it is “I See You…” sort of speak I love that aspect of it very real very straight forward. Seen the world been to many places I Love the lyrics in it just what it is Runaway alone and enjoying life but missing that element of someone else to share it with. I understand that meaning so much its not funny but I love the other half of the token. P!nk’s version is so different in the fact she want to just get away and be in her zone just her is a great concept to want to make real in your life. To leave everything behind and just wanna get away for whatever reason. I love both concepts so much because I am both these and neither (MindF*ck). I was going to write about destiny but the last couple weeks all I could get on the page was destiny is the bridge to the one you love. That it 3 weeks behind this laptop that’s all I had not good so I dug deep in me to see what is really on my mind and I would soon see these 2 songs. I googled the lyrics to both even though I know both too well I wanted to read the words to each and see them in my head. It was a third a song and it was titled runaway as well but it was a rock song from Linkin’ Park and I didn’t wanna go there but I will. It is funny in their version he just wanted to run a find the truth and get away from the pain, runaway and never say goodbye. It is powerful and absolute and period. Where as the the other 2 have something a lil more but not really all 3 are special to me cause it all consists on Running away and I don’t see me running away just thinking I would love to wake up in India, Africa, Europe and all these other places that promise tranquility and relax. And maybe I am running from something even so its ok to be alone and have no reason to do what is right but do what is necessary for you to move and grow as a human and a a evolved species. I have been finishing this all month and runaway isn’t what I want I want to Run but with someone some special person that makes it worth it, you know long hours or hard rehearsals. Business trips or 6 months in another country or cruise ship. Where are you I am a patient man but time is a luxury for people who believe in more then just now but the forever the eternal. I want what is so far out my reach because I want it to be not because it actually is. We make our destiny like the movie says destiny is the bridge you build to the ones you love. Life is the sum of choices you make. Well that is quite enough for now be back soon…
:) -I See You…-