Wow way to long it has truly been a min since i put my thoughts on the web or anywhere just been living my life it has been path and has thrown me for a loop. But that is what makes life so enjoyable i guess and least that is what i tell myself so i don't crumble up and waste away. So i read my old blogs and I am kinda bitter and it makes me laugh because I know me and i know that is not who i am and it upsets me. I love every hand i have been dealt but it does hurt sometimes to feel the feelings i have felt in recent months, Remorse, Sadness, Pain, Lose, Confusion. And all in the same token Love, Compassion, Support, Care, Tenderness, Openness. I love all those feeling inside and they all came out over the last couple of months. You it sounds so lame to say or type but turning 25 was such an eye opener to the life i have lived and the life i wanna live and the mistakes i have made and the decisions i feel now more then ever. When you have those revelations and those insights into parts of you, you didn't know you had it is scary, uplifting, freaking and a little off putting. Because for me when you walk a path less traveled and have an idea and goals you set out in front of you it hard to see some of those altered for reasons you may think is good for you or even right but you ride it out to see the outcome. I should have tattooed "Life is a direct sum of the choices you make" on me but one that would have taken way too long and I See You means so much more but i have tons of space left on my body.
When you reflect on your past relationships is there ever a pattern? Is there ever that voice that says "Hey what the hell are you doing?" is there is and it gets louder the longer your with someone run RUN FAST. Because it is so hard to break habits all kinds of habits women, drugs, food, lies, etc. You will find yourself in the same similar positions and wonder why am I here have i not been down this road this path this doomed tunnel??? You don't come out of it bitter or less trusting. or hateful to the opposite or same sex you live and learn and hope you don't make the same mistakes more then once. And if it does happen that life throws you another bag of lemons you will know and identify with the bag and make some amazing Lemonade.
Which brings me to point #1: YOU CANT SAVE THE WORLD, so stop trying to save others especially those who don't wanna be saved or who enjoy misery because misery loves company.
Which ironically brings me to #2: YOU HAVE TO LIVE FOR YOU, at the end of the day you only get so many years on this planet please don't spend it second guessing who you are and how to make other people happy. You have to live for you no matter what the outcome. Lose friends, disconnect from family, take a sabbatical do whatever you need to to find you peace. Let me get real honest i had to almost give up the one thing in this entire world that truly made me happy to truly find my happiness. I purposely got fired from my dance job and seriously considered stopping cold turkey all 21 years of my dance life because of what i like to call Situational Shit. No lie it took me to a very dark place i had never been and yet it also took me to a beautiful place i had NEVER been.
Which rolls on to my #3 thought: DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL THINGS, yes it was small why? because i lived to see another day and if i died 2morrow my last thoughts would be heartache, sadness, hate, pain, all things i never truly wanna feel. Let me tell you cleaning out my Make up spot at Jubilee i didn't even cry or blink i just went home and watched movies and smiled i had one regret that whole day that i didn't hug my friends in the show the people that meant a lot to me the people that were there all the time not sometimes. I felt sadness for not having a final bow with my family you forget so quickly you see these people 6 nights a week and 2 shows a night and i took their presence for granted. I must say i was alone for the first time in such a long time and in a dark withdrawn place that i LOVED in being alone and jobless and confused about my future for the first time since i left Detroit in 03, I found Tim and i was so excited.
Which take me to #4: LIVE FOR THE MOMENT, like i said 2morrow ain't promised and I started living without so much weight of other peoples opinions or their 2 cents on my life. I saw shows, went to movies, slept all day, read books, watched prime time TV, worked out everyday. I was living and it was and still is GREAT.
ps I Love that boy so much LORD FOKQUA you better read this LOL, I feel like i chased behind ? until i realized recently I am way too blessed to have spent most of my life waiting for something that may never happen. I have made a declaration to myself to live in this MOMENT, not the past or future I am truly going to enjoy this gift i have called the present.
So in closing I love this opportunity, this growth, this wisdom, this time, this path, this new found LOVE in my Heart & Soul. I am finally living my life and for the first time ever i got it. I AM SPECIAL and my flaws are apart of me but they don't define me they just add to MY AMAZING CHARACTER that deserves to be LOVED without hesitation
I SEE ME WHICH GIVES ME THE ABILITY TO SEE YOU
-I SEE YOU...-
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